Chronicity

August 28th, 2010

I mentioned in the last post that I’ve been reading A People’s History of the United States, by Howard Zinn. It’s a book that demands to be read. I have the feeling it’ll be one of those books that changes the way I think, like The Long Emergency or the writings of Bertrand Russell, Christopher Hitchens, Jorge Luis Borges, etc.

Over the past decade, and especially since living abroad, my perception of my country’s corruption has deepened; I attempted to gain some emotional distance through history; you can’t make moral judgements on history, these things happened and will happen; humans are an amoral bunch, doing what they will, and don’t try to read right and wrong into it.

But I still held a kernel of reverence for the virtues on which the nation appeared to have been founded, that the freedom and equality bit was genuine, and this set us apart. Man. It never occurred to me that it might be charlatanry, that it might be a comforting lie. I simply wondered - why doesn’t our representative government represent us? Why does my vote seem meaningless, when, in theory, I wield as much political power as, say, an oil CEO? I had trouble sussing out these contradictions.

People’s History is unapologetically social-anarchist (or “libertarian socialist”). It shows how money and power go hand in hand, and how they have always ruled this country and probably always will. I’ve been on this path of disillusionment since January, since the Citizens’ United ruling, which shook what faith I had in my country (in that regard, if our public were a bit better informed, that ruling could be like my generation’s Watergate). But a friend offered this perversely comforting wisdom - nothing will change, now that corporations can give unlimited funds to politicians. The Arkansas senator is still the Wal-mart senator, the Delaware senator is still the credit card senator, etc. How bleak.

But of course. People’s History shows it’s always been this way, a combination of government power and private capital, one protecting the other. The Founding Fathers, almost to a man, were rich white males. I recall reading that they rigged the government to be a representative democracy because they feared “mob rule” - and I thought, of course, because the mob is stupid. But, no, it’s because they worried they might lose their fortunes, their wealth built on the backs of the poor and enslaved. The Constitution and Bill of Rights pay lip service to individual liberties, granting just enough freedoms to pacify the mob, but still permitting the unimpeded flow of wealth upward.

Of course everyone knows this, and I’m afraid I’m describing it in very unexciting, maybe maudlin language, but I’m affected by a sort of malaise that comes from a permanent state of anger at forces that are impersonal (though made of persons) and largely beyond my reach. Surely such a feeling is futile on the existential level, but I’m not sure what to do with it. The game is rigged and getting rigged-er. Thomas Jefferson is out of the textbooks - but Thomas Jefferson was a rich slaveholding expansionist anyway. The left in America is neutered - but the best the left could ever hope for was an infinitesimally more equitable distribution of wealth, something to pacify the poorest while still letting the wealthy steep in their riches. Maybe some of the left believe their own rhetoric and their own power for meaningful change - but they, or their party-masters are all bought and paid for anyway, and entrenched in a system where any kind of change is hopeless.

When arguing with a friend recently, he expressed the opinion that every political system, ever, has been corrupt - the implication being that one must tolerate a certain level of corruption. Well. Assuming that’s correct - and I think there are good examples of communities without endemic corruption - Catalonia in the Spanish civil war, Israeli Kibbutzim, the Iroquois League, any number of communes throughout the world - assuming it’s correct that you cannot have human power structures without corruption, does that mean we should tolerate it? That we shouldn’t despise it when we find it? That we should ever pretend that it’s acceptable?

I started talking about People’s History because I wanted to draw your attention to friend Alex’s thoughtful post detailing his departure from Thomson, the same megacorp where I acquired my own distaste for gigantobusiness five years ago. I feel embarrassed linking to it after this rambling, murky post - it is thoughtful, funny, and a subtle commentary on the devaluation of the worker in a capitalist system (and, bonus, it is good writing). Outsourcing is an act of fundamental inhumanity, and we’ve praised it for decades as good business practice. I’ve never really understood the injustice of it until it threatened friends. Then you see it right away. Oh, they want to chuck you so they can pay a guy to work much longer for much less? That’s a step above slavery, I guess. Congrats on the moral growth, Capitalism. Christ.

In David Simon’s (amazing) series, “Treme”, there are several characters (whom I won’t name, for spoilers) who struggle to deal with the damage dealt to New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina. Some shoulder the hard burden of rebuilding and moving on with their lives; others give in to despair. It’s a story of how people deal with a tragedy and, obviously, it’s a universal story that can be told in any different context. One doesn’t want to give in to despair, the laudable, worthy thing is to bravely face the damage and power through it. But in America, the damage is ongoing - and interminable.

The existentialists offer very good advice for dealing with such situations - “Myth of Sisyphus” et al. You’ve been damned to roll a boulder up a hill for all eternity. All right. You roll the hell out of that boulder, and in doing so, you conquer it. By refusing defeat, by suffering with dignity and honor, you become greater than your fate. (Viktor Frankl says a very similar thing, in the context of the Holocaust in “Man’s Search for Meaning”.) Good stuff. But there’s also a certain of defeatism in it. Such a stance accepts the boulder - but unalterable eternal fates only exist in myths. We can change our fates.

Hey! Today’s my birthday!

Update: Feeling better. Can’t think why I was so depressed this morning.

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Dear Reader

August 18th, 2010

Dear, dear reader. I need to update, if only so I can have that tiny yet important thrill of getting a google alert letting me know that I’ve updated. It is a … disproportionate thrill.

My internet connection has been well and truly bollocksed. It was always tenuous, a feeble ray of wifi attenuated over the vasty backyard. A light rainshower could knock it out. It finally stopped working yesterday, probably because of some infinitesimal shift of minor gravitational bodies in the Kuiper belt. I broke down and ordered (at last) a real internet connection. Soon there will be enough wifi bouncing around my house that I won’t have to microwave food any more, just hold it up to the router. Raaaaaaaaaaaadiation, great stuff.

Anyway, they’ll have it set up in a week. It’ll be twice as much and half as fast as the service I had in Korea.
I was trying to think of the average internet speed in all the countries I’ve been to, trying to think of countries with worse broadband access than America. I came up with:

Laos.
Some remote islands of Indonesia.

I am not even joking. Cambodia has better internet.

I’ll begin fire academy in a week and a half. A bit nervous about that. I am actually less nervous about the prospect of charging into a burning deathtrap than about hanging out with a bunch of men’s men, a bunch of backslapping country boys, trying to think of things to say about pickup trucks and … coon hounds and … diesel engines.

I’m reading A People’s History of the United States. I used to despair about the encroaching corruption in our government, but no more! Because it’s not encroaching, it has done encroached. It’s been here from the beginning, and somehow that makes me feel better.

Watching Treme, David Simon’s series about musicians in post-Katrina New Orleans. It is a David Simon series, which is to say it is better than anything.

Playing Mass Effect 2, a game of polish, poise, maturity, depth, sexy blue alien chicks.

Intending to write a few long entries about our trip through the northwest last month. Who knows?

Revising the novel I wrote last spring/summer. It is very good. I’m really pleased. This is the best kind of work a writer can do: sitting down to read their own stuff, finding it solid, thinking, “I did that!”

(The obvious downside: finding it terrible, thinking, “I did that…”)

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Good Things

August 7th, 2010

I am happy to live in a time of so many good things. I just finished reading the final volume of Scott Pilgrim while drinking an excellent Brazilian coffee and listening to the new Arcade Fire. Later I’ll play some Red Faction or Mass Effect 2 or Dragon Quest IX or maybe I’ll read more in this JG Ballard novel. Or watch some Sopranos. For later, I have shelves sagging with the weight of excellent books, the fruit of a rich culture, and I have a hard drive full of the greatest dramas since Shakespeare. Also videogames, each a marvel of software engineering, and a hundred gigs music of such beauty.

It’s nice to have such a huge culturesphere that I am overwhelmed with choice. There’s too much good music, too many good books and videogames and movies, to ever get through it all. Sometimes the prospect of getting through it all seems hopeless, but it’s a good kind of hopelessness. Consume consume consume.

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Peregrinations

July 25th, 2010

(Mobile post.) In Portland. Went to Vancouver Island, then Seattle. Lovely lovely time. Now Portland. Identity crisis at hipster over-exposure. Am I like that? One hopes not. Went to a bridge festival, an incredible farmers’s market with talented young hipsters playing hobo ragtime, spent too much at Powell’s, pesto pizza, microbrews and microbrews. Dance show, free play at theatre festival - Will Eno’s “Gnit,” satirical modernization of Ibsen’s “Peer Gynt.” Hilarious, thoughtful, made me want to write. Chai and dolmas at Tea Lounge, watched indie band with too much delay on lead guitar, made me sleepy. Today, craft fair, brewfest, free concert on bar patio. Loving this town. It’s like they made it just for me.

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Arctic Adventure

July 11th, 2010

I’m in Canada right now. That’s why I haven’t been updating so much. Our wifi connection in this igloo is pretty tenuous. It’s beamed in from a retrofitted Soviet spy satellite.

It was a fairly pleasant journey, though the final four hundred miles by dogsled were a bit arduous. We lashed our animals cruelly, though necessarily, over the frigid peaks where the iron bones of the earth protrude darkly from their icy blankets of death. We passed the frozen skeletons of less fortunate travelers, the foolish yet brave trailblazers whose deaths made our own passage across that forsaken hellscape possible. The wind howled and tore at us as if it would rip the skin from our bones. Then a short bus ride, and we were in Vancouver.

Vancouver is a pleasant city of about two million, situated on the Frozen Hellgulf, where icebergs crowd the black barely-liquid water. Every day is a struggle against the encroaching ice, a Sisyphean war fought by flameships, battleprows, and, rudimentary yet effective and above all necessary, mere men and women armed with pickaxes. The price of failure is apparent in the frozen towers of old Vancouver, trapped in the invincible continent-wide Mother Glacier; the dead poised there still, caught in endless surprise at the advance of this life-hating behemoth.

Yesterday we swam in Deep Cove, where the pine-covered mountains roll down to the blue sea. The water was bracing, remaining liquid somehow at a few degrees above absolute zero, the temperature of a black hole. I swam out to an iceberg and climbed the pellucid peaks of that majestic mountain, and there confronted and slew the wendigo of Canadian lore, cutting its throat with the only weapon capable of piercing its wooly white hide: its own claw. Too tired to swim back to shore, I fashioned a harness of moose leather and tamed a walrus for my mount.

Now, the aurora borealis dance in ethereal ballet above the snow-heaped lawn, a stunning yet inadequate compensation for the perpetual night with which Canadians are punished for their hubris, their fatal pride in settling where humans were not meant to tread. Soon we will eat a sumptuous and welcome dinner of the remains of the crew of the HMS Terror, whose yeti-mauled corpses the Mother Glacier preserved in perpetuity. Randi fumbles with her last match, her numbed fingers frozen into hooks; she considers removing her sealskin mittens to grasp the match better, but at what cost, payable in the cold currency of frostbite?

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Ejecta

July 1st, 2010

I don’t mind getting vaccinations, but I wish they wouldn’t use the special corkscrew needles. But they tell me they penetrate bone more easily, so…

Yesterday I got Hepatitis A in one arm and Hepatitis B in the other. This is part of the gauntlet of fun that one must brave when becoming an EMT. Next they will ram a giant spear through my torso to see how I react to giant spears rammed through my torso. Next time you see an EMT, shake his hand.

By the time you read this, I will be in the back seat of my parents’ Honda Pilot, bound for Iowa, the state voted “corn-stubbliest”. Family reunion. I’ll be playing bluegrass with some extended family members. I’ve met some. I’ve never met some others. I’ve not seen yet some others in six years or more. I expect it will be a good time. I’m not sure what it says about me that I look forward to periods of enforced nonactivity, like car rides, when I am free to read or play video games on my sundry portable systems. Can I not make time for these things in normal life? Or can I just not justify spending time on these things in normal life? Dunno.

I’ll be finishing David Simon’s Homicide, the book that he wrote after following Baltimore’s homicide unit for a year. It’s funny, it’s beautifully written, it’s profound, it’s generally all things The Wire is. I wish I’d read it before seeing The Wire; it contains important background information regarding the operation of police departments, stuff that you kind of have to piece together in The Wire. I’ll also be finishing my critique of my friend’s first novel, on which I’ve been taking entirely too long.

And I’ll be playing Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey. It’s a more story-driven dark scifi version of Etrian Odyssey, which I will always love, even though it hates me. And I’ve got the Megaman Zero collection to keep me awake when first-person dungeon crawls get too slow.

Steam, the digital distribution service that shows other digital distribution services how it’s done, is having a massive summer sale; I snagged And Yet It Moves, which took all of five minutes to be too hard for my feeble brain - why do I keep buying puzzle platformers? And The Maw, which I might have pirated long ago but never played because I felt guilty about pirating from an indie company so I redeemed myself by buying it on sale for 75% off; and Rocket Knight, which is pure fun shot up the nostrils of my brain. I might also buy GTA IV, which is only five bucks. Five bucks! And the game cost a hundred million to make, sold for sixty bucks a year ago. What a world.

Went to Half Price Books yesterday. Because we’d spent so much on books in the past two months, I’d forced myself to stay away for a few months. My bookshelves were all but full. I could only feasibly hold so many more books in our current domicile. So I waited, like, a month at least before I bought some more.

Got a book by Matt Taibbi. A book on suburban sprawl. A book of Barbara Ehrenreich essays. Hunter S. Thompson’s Hell’s Angels. The guy at the counter told me, “I tried to get into him. I think you need to be high on something.” Maybe, maybe. Lois McMaster Bujold’s The Sharing Knife, volume four. Someone dumped a bunch of Gene Wolfe, and I snatched it all up, including The Death of Doctor Island and Other Stories and Other Stories, the collection that has such awesome story names: “The Death of Doctor Island,” “The Island of Doctor Death,” “The Doctor of Death Island.” Got China Mieville’s Un Lun Dun. A book by Doris Lessing, whom I’d been wanting to investigate. She won a Nobel Prize, you know. They don’t just hand those out.

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Now what what now?

June 15th, 2010

Whew! I’m done with draft one! I have hours a day free, and weeks before vacation consumes my time as a hippo consumes marbles. Whatever will I do with myself?

My natural response when I asked myself that question was: drug addiction. I’m unemployed, now would be a good time! That is what people do when they are unemployed, yes? Unfortunately I have no howling void within my soul that demands to be filled.

So.

  • Learn how to play bluegrass guitar. I’ve got a family reunion in Iowa in July. Evidently my mother’s side of the family is full of skilled bluegrass musicians, and the reunion is one long jam session. I’ve got a beautiful guitar and a clamorous amplifier. I should put my mouth where my money is, so to speak. TANSTAAFL Pub in town has weekly bluegrass jam sessions. So. Time to practice.
  • Read my friend Jason’s novel. I’ve been critiquing it since December. Bad, bad Jens. Finish tout de suite! Especially as we’re visiting him and his wife and kid this July. It would be most embarrassing to have not yet finished. It’s pretty good, and a pleasure to read! But critiques take time take time take time.
  • Read. I’ve spent maybe five hundred bucks on books since our return. Time to put my eyeballs where my money is. It is a joy to read with no demands on your time, with no pressure of needing to do other things. Lordy, I better not ever have kids.
  • Video games. How is it I am unemployed and still don’t have time to play all the video games I want? I’m hip-deep in The Saboteur, which is glorious though wounded, like a twelve-point buck with an arrow through its liver. Also, Bioshock 2, Mass Effect 2, et cetera ad nauseum.
  • Go outside some. I went to a state park last weekend, did a trail run, swam, hiked. It was a blast. I am forcing myself to enjoy the outdoors and finding, to my delight, that I do not have to force myself. Tomorrow I am going mountain biking even though no one is making me.

And in terms of writing:

  • This late summer I’ll be doing revisions of this Aetheria novel (still needs a name) and Khatima. Revisions are fun. No problem.
  • Maybe a short story or two before I head out on vacation, and maybe a few more whilst vacationing.
  • This fall I’ll be writing a cooperative… collaborative… novel with Talented Friend Alex Burns. We’ve been talking about this for, like, a year now. Can’t wait. We’ll be taking a few days later this month for intense brainstorming sessions. We’ll lock ourselves in a room and not come out until we have an outline. Bread and water will be passed in on trays.

And in the long, long term:

  • I’ll be doing another collaborative novel with Niles Bliss, a friend from my time in Korea. He maintains a funny, insightful music blog. I read some of his short fiction, loved it. We like much of the same fiction and have complementary writing skills, I think, so I expect that to be an interesting and fruitful endeavor.
  • My novel idea involving HH Holmes and Boston Corbett, following the years of Corbett’s life after he disappears from the Kansas insane asylum. I keep collecting books and ideas for this, and it keeps sounding better and more interesting. The soul of America is at stake!
  • This first novel set in Aetheria is nothing if not a series-starter. More to come, definitely, especially considering the ending. Wow!
  • Others.

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On Finishing

June 12th, 2010

This morning I typed those two most satisfying words - “THE ENDF” - then I went back and deleted the “F”, which was a typo. At that moment, a weight lifted from my shoulders and I shot through the roof like an ingot of cavorite, en route to the moon from whence I came.

What many people do not realize is that writing is hard work. It is easy to see only the romance, the classic image of a long-haired muscle-bound warrior poet with a big-breasted valkyrie hanging over him while he pounds away at his typewriter; “Voila!” cries he, “C’est ce la!”  and he tears off another sheet of golden prose, which is perfect on the first draft. Yes, that is true some of the time. But most of the time writing is sweat and blood mixed with sweat and tears mixed with blood mixed with sweat and a little bit of vomit. You know, “10% inspiration, 90% perspiration et cetera.” So true. So true.

So when I write a novel, it is three months of hard work, for hours a day, every day. Any day off must be made up for the next day. I drink so much coffee that by the end of a novel I am quite sick of coffee. There are flights of inspiration, where the words drip like molten steel from the corners of my slack lips, burning scars of imagination across the skin of my mind’s face; days when the words come hot and fast and I hit my quota with ease. Other days where the words must be coaxed, where they come as reluctantly as an nonagenarian’s bowel movements. These are the majority of days.

Then, after the torturous two to three hours are over (never less than an hour and a half, I can tell you), when I’m done writing for the day, I’m still not quite done writing. The book stays in my head. I think of what I’ve done and what I have yet to do. I worry about tomorrow’s words, about finding the time, about figuring out what comes next. I live more in the novel than I do in the “real world”. When the novel goes poorly, I am stressed, depressed, moody. When it goes well, I am elated, happy, good company. These figments have a grip on my brain, and they twist it as they will.

The work is difficult, it is time-consuming, it is mind-consuming, it offers little in the way of hope for external reward. God, do I love it. I have found no greater pleasure than writing. Perhaps the misery and anguish of the experience serve to throw the emotional and artistic rewards into greater relief, like this cocktail I had last night - lemon-orange with a dash of cayenne pepper.

I am mortified and thrilled that, even while this novel requires quite a bit of work, at least three other ideas jostle in the birth canal of my brain, demanding to be birthed at once. Thrilled that I have so many exciting ideas; mortified that I must deliver them.

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Dream (COPYRIGHT JENS RUSHING 2010)

June 10th, 2010

A mysterious organization kidnapped me and injected me with something. Then, while I rubbed my sore arm, the CEO, a friendly yet commanding short-sleeves kinda guy, explained to me that, really, they owed everything to me. One of his operatives, looking for new ideas to radically change the world, had seen one of my childhood drawings in a museum - a crude representation of the solar system that accidentally put Ganymede, the moon of Jupiter, between Mars and Earth. “It was so simple,” he said, “but we had no idea until we saw your drawing. We simply move Ganymede out of Jupiter’s gravity well and make it the new fourth planet. This will slightly alter the pitch of the musica universalis, and cause all mesons in this universe to reverse their charge. Meaning that anyone who has that injection that we just gave you will gain superpowers. What superpower do you want? Flight? Super-strength? Super-intelligence? Prehensile tail?”

“Flight, please.”

Then I woke up.

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A Disgusting Gift for You

June 9th, 2010

From today’s work on the novel:

They passed the old gates that demarcated the Charnels, iron gates long since rusted permanently open. The slaughterhouses were huge, almost as large as Company superstructures. The stench of the district was powerful, sickening, rotten, the discharge of millions of animals mixed with the rotting remains of millions more; the warmth of the scabbing vats accelerated the decay and aggravated the foetor. Jumbles of hair, shards of bone, hooves, claws, horns, gristle, scales, feathers formed nightmare cryptids.

“Get back!” Cyrus hissed, drawing his pistol and knife. One of the gore-piles was moving, crawling forward, a ghastly slug pulling itself along on appropriated, mismatched feet. Feathers and curved horns jutted from it, and one long skinless horse’s leg protruded from the front, scenting left and right like a butterfly’s proboscis. Skeletal parodies of wings made of ribs unfolded from its back, and yellowed eyeballs surfaced and crawled in the folds of its ragged muscles.

Ain’t that lovely?

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Scifi Primer

June 2nd, 2010

A friend just asked me to recommend some scifi or fantasy books for a reader new to the genres, and I typed out an enthusiastic reply. I think the response is a pretty good primer, so I’m going to post some excerpts here, for the use of anyone just now getting into these genres, the present and future of Literature.

First let me congratulate you on your adventurousness in seeking out new genres, and let me express my hopes that you’ll enjoy them; I’ve always liked genre lit (”genre lit” meaning anything other than “Literature”, be it scifi, fantasy, murder mysteries, romance, etc), and while I may not like all those genres (romance, etc), I heartily believe that each genre is capable of generating Art, or Good Art, if you will, and I heartily disdain the literati who look down on anything because it has spaceships, or monsters, or anything that isn’t “real”; art transcends genre, dammit. If anything, SF/F are MORE able to explore and comment upon our reality, as they have unparalleled powers for allegory that “LITERATURE” lacks; they allow you to examine the world from a wholly new perspective.

All right. First of all, scifi and fantasy are often lumped as one, and they have many things in common, but they are two different things - or can be. The genres have broadened so much and overlapped and grown together that there are works genuinely hard to classify, but generally speaking, scifi books are interested in futurism and, often, science, while fantasy is about the supernatural or mythical, usually in other, fantastic worlds - my tastes generally lie in fantasy, because I’m more interested in historical or cultural issues, which I think are better explored in fantasy than scifi. BUT these are only broad generalizations, and both genres have a lot going on.

Another catch-all term is “speculative fiction”, which can mean works that are both of these things, or neither, but nonetheless contain weird or extraordinary elements.

Within scifi, there’s “hard” and “soft” scifi. For a long time, hard SF dominated the field, but “soft” has enjoyed a surge in popularity over the past 20-30 years. Hard SF tends to care about the details of science and be interested in the nitty-gritty of how the spaceships run, how alien planets are terraformed, etc. Soft SF elevates character and plotting over that. I tend to prefer soft, but I’ve read excellent books in both subgenres. For “hard” scifi, Robert Heinlein’s “juveniles” are very good - they’re books written for teens in the 1950s. The young audience forced him to keep his plotting under tighter control, it seems, as well as his political diatribes. They’re fun, a bit pulpy. I really enjoyed “Starman Jones”. The first Heinlein book I read was “Friday”, about an “artificial person”, a genetically modified human being built in a lab, and her struggles against discrimination and for survival in a crumbling world. It’s good, and good-natured for a Heinlein book. “The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress”, about the moon fighting a war of secession against the Earth, is my personal favorite. Disclaimer: the dude was a hardcore libertarian, and his political views are disgusting, and never expressed more strongly than in “Moon”; however, the plotting and characters of the book are good enough to outweigh that. Great book, take with a grain of salt.

Another hard-ish SF I really enjoy is anything by Lois McMaster Bujold. Her stuff is often lumped as “military SF”, but it’s really not; she describes her own books as “novels of character”, and, indeed, her characters are superbly developed. She also has a good sense of humor and an absolutely riveting control of plot and pacing. Currently one of my favorite authors. She has more Hugo awards for Best Novel (that’s SF/F’s highest honor) than any other author but Heinlein, and she will probably surpass him, having the advantage of still being alive.
Her main SF work is the “Vorkosigan saga”, about Miles Vorkosigan, a brilliant though deformed young officer in the Barrayar Intelligence Services; he foils coups, invasion plots, leads mutinies against insane officers, etc. The books are supposed to be readable in any order, but I recommend starting at the start, with “Shards of Honor”. “Shards of Honor” was bundled with its direct sequel, “Barrayar”, as “Cordelia’s Honor”, which is what I recommend buying.
Failing that, try “Young Miles”, which collects “The Warrior’s Apprentice” and “The Vor Game”.

Another excellent series, which bridges hard and soft SF and mixes in a bit of humor, is Dan Simmon’s “Hyperion” series. It’s two books - “Hyperion” and “The Fall of Hyperion”, and they are two halves of one story so you have to read both, but they’re so good it won’t be a problem - and they take place in a far future where seven pilgrims are selected to visit the tomb of the “Shrike” on the planet Hyperion - the “Shrike” being a terrifying, totally alien godlike entity that will kill six of them and grant the seventh whatever he desires. As they travel, they tell the reasons why they came and what they hope to get; it’s like the Canterbury Tales in space. But better. Then, having established the basic conflict and situation in the first book, Simmons pulls back in the second book and shows how the fate of the pilgrims has ramifications for the whole universe. So good.

“The Forever War,” by Joe Haldeman. Haldeman was a Vietnam vet who wrote a deeply allegorical novel inspired by his experiences; but it is so much more than a mere allegory, it’s also a contemplation on how technology changes war and how war changes those who fight. Made me cry. “The Forever Peace,” a much later book, is not a sequel, merely a spiritual successor, and it’s just as good.
Soft scifi - I enjoy Philip Jose Farmer, who was known for his craaaazy ideas. The “Riverworld” books are top-to-bottom excellent, but it’s a four-book series, so a bit of an investment. The first is “To Your Scattered Bodies Go”. I read it in one sitting, it’s that good. All of humanity that has ever lived (some 36 billion people) is simultaneously resurrected along the banks of a 20 million mile-long river. They are now immortal. Who put them there? Why? Historical badasses like Mark Twain and Richard Burton and Cyrano de Bergerac team up to find out why.

One difficulty with SF/F is that it has historically been dominated by white male writers - SF especially. Ursula K. Leguin leaves most of them in the dust, though. Her intelligence is staggering. I recommend her short novel, “The Lathe of Heaven”, about a guy who sees a sleep therapist because his dreams have the ability to alter reality, and he wants to stop that. But the therapist has other plans. DUNH DUNH DUNH! It’s a brilliant exploration of psychology. Her “Dispossessed” and “The Left Hand of Darkness” both won Hugos, but I haven’t read ‘em. On my shelf.

Fantasy! Much of fantasy is typical “epic fantasy” - that is, elves, wizards, dragons, everyone being very serious all the time, giant books or book series that go on and on. “Lord of the Rings” is the original one. The “Wheel of Time” series and George RR Martin’s “Song of Fire and Ice” are other examples. I tend to avoid this stuff, as it can get turgid or boring, but it’s still the most popular form. I understand Martin’s series - “A Game of Thrones” is the first novel - is quite good. Jacqueline Carey’s “Kushiel” series, of which “Kushiel’s Dart” is the first - is supposed to be good, but I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. But it sells and gets good reviews, so I cautiously recommend it.

Then there’s sword-and-sorcery, which is the low-rent cousin of epic fantasy, the nitty-gritty stories where there are no heroes, just a couple of bastards fighting each other. I love this stuff. Conan the Barbarian is the most famous example, Fritz Leiber’s “Fafhrd and Grey Mouser” series is also prominent (and excellent), Michael Moorcock’s “Elric of Melnibone” is another - I understand that is the edgiest of all, though I haven’t read it yet. Post-modern, brutal, fantasy intended to challenge the reader. Got ‘em on my shelf. But this subgenre, I acknowledge, is pretty masculine, definitely not for everyone.

There’s also an astronomical rise in popularity of “urban fantasy”, which strictly means anything fantastic or supernatural in a modern setting (such as Jim Butcher’s “The Dresden Files”, but usually means “self-insertionist protagonist has boring or ridiculous romances or fights with vampires or werewolves.” The dreck of this, of course, is the execrable “Twi—–” series, but also includes such bestselling bottom-feeders as Charlaine Harris. You can do better than this. Humanity can do better than this. I consider the subgenre as a whole polluted.

I recommend, though, unreservedly, everything by Fritz Leiber. He is intelligent, hilarious, satirical, poised, confident. He writes across several genres - horror, SF, fantasy - and his experiments in each are always rewarding. His Fafhrd-and-Mouser “Lankhmar” stories were hugely influential, and always fun. I highly recommend, too, “A Specter Is Haunting Texas” - a guy who grew up on the moon comes down to Earth a few hundred years in the future for some reason or other, and most of North America is now part of the country of Texas, where genetically-modified enormous white Texans drive huge Cadillacs and monstrous horses and maintain a weird feudalism over their genetically-stunted Mexican slave races; the hero finds himself an unwitting messiah-figure for a Mexican rebellion. The book is laugh-aloud funny cover-to-cover, and gripping, and tragic.
Also, “Conjure Wife”, his first novel, about an anthropologist whose wife takes up witchcraft. A smart, incisive look at the interplay between people who read fantasy for fun, and those who study it for a living.

Lois McMaster Bujold, the McMaster of my heart, has lately jumped genres and started writing in fantasy. I haven’t read them yet, but they’re cleaning up Hugo awards and selling like hotcakes. She has the “Chalion” trilogy, of which “The Curse of Chalion” is the first, and the “Sharing Knife” series of four novels. Haven’t read them, but if she exercises her usual mastery of character and plotting, they’d be worth reading.

One of my favorite writers currently is China Mieville, a British Harvard- and Oxford-educated socialist/D&D nerd who writes “new weird” fiction. It is putatively fantasy, but has heavy tones of horror and steampunk (which is basically Dickens-flavored scifi, fantastic stuff with Victorian trappings). He has done more in the past decade to break boundaries than any other living writer. His stuff is smart, well-plotted, and not merely “edgy” but actually EDGY. His books stick with you. Wildly original. Brilliant stuff. He wrote a loosely linked trilogy in his fantasy world, Bas-Lag, which begins with “Perdido Street Station.”

Finally - I recommend Philip Pullman’s “His Dark Materials” trilogy: “The Northern Lights”, known in the US as “The Golden Compass,” “The Subtle Knife,” and “The Amber Spyglass”. These are supposed to be young adult books, but they are dense and weighty with delicious themes and indelible characters. His plotting is superb, his fantasy worlds are rich and fascinating, and the books seriously, no kidding, improve page by page from the beginning to the end, the final book being three hundred pages of constant emotional high. Stunning books.

Finally, an author that falls into none of these genres but is merely regarded as “speculative” - Harlan Ellison. He wrote many of the more famous Outer Limits and Twilight Zone and Star Trek episodes, and is one of the few authors to build his career almost entirely on short stories. His work rewards a random sampling, but some recommended stories are “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” and “Mephistopheles in Onyx” and Djinn, No Twist” and “Send Not to Know for Whom the Lettuce Wilts”. He’s funny and often savage, and his stories are bite-sized. You can’t go wrong with a “best of” collection.

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Currently

May 31st, 2010

Reading:

  • The Long Emergency, by James Howard Kunstler. I’ve been reading his blog (the aptly titled “Clusterfuck Nation”) for several years, and even read his novel, World Made by Hand; this is the book where he lays out his ideas for the future, and how the problems of peak oil, compounded by global warming and geopolitics and the collapse of petroagriculture and the super-economy, are going to dramatically affect our way of life. Where Kunstler is normally quite polemic on his blog, he reins it in for this book; you can tell he believes in the importance of his message.
    As for the actual content, Kunstler’s knowledge of the subject matter is near encyclopedic, and his analytical ability is quite impressive; he does tend toward doom and gloom - but, again, not nearly as much as on his blog - with some predictions seeming a bit too apocalyptic, such as the US splintering into several countries within my lifetime. One takes the book with a grain of salt. That said, most of his facts check out, and his assertions seem accurate. It makes me want to move to Oregon. It’s a book everyone should read; even if his worst assertions never come to pass, it forces you to reconsider your place in this country and this country’s place in the world.
  • The Martians, by Kim Stanley Robinson. A collection of short stories that fill in some blanks of the Mars trilogy. I’ve said several times that the original trilogy is one of the best things I’ve ever read, regardless of genre, and this is a welcome return to this world. Only two stories in, and I am stunned on every page at Robinson’s intelligence, his unsurpassed grasp of character, his psychological depth, the beauty of the worlds he creates.
  • In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote (on audiobook). The famous “nonfiction novel” of the 1959 slaying of a family of four in a small Kansas town. Its alleged inaccuracies aside, the book gives a bone-deep portrait of the killers and their victims, crawling into their heads and raking over every detail of their pasts, so that their tragedy becomes your tragedy; Capote’s eye for detail and character is amazing.
  • Nickel and Dimed: on Not Getting by in America, by Barbara Ehrenreich. A middle-class Harper’s writer “goes undercover” for a year, working the worst kind of blue-collar jobs and bringing back her experiences to share with us, the monocle-wearing cognac-sippers. Haha. It’s actually not condescending at all. It fills me with intense horror at the kind of jobs I used to work, but had forgotten about. I hope three years of sinecures followed by a year of unemployment don’t wreck me completely. Good god, our society is so rich, the richest that has ever existed in history, and still so few people barely scrape by, and many of us in the middle class still find time to feel sorry for ourselves. Go to Cambodia, you jerks, and see what real poverty looks like.
  • Next: Homicide, by David Simon, Snow Crash, by Neal Stephenson… etc etc ad nauseum.

Playing:

  • Assassin’s Creed II. So good. I’ve never played a sequel so improved. The first game was all right, it had some good ideas and some amazing design, but they had no idea what to do with it, leading to the tragedy of having big, detailed worlds with nothing to do. The story also got a little drunk on its own importance from time to time. The second game has a better script, a better story, amazing levels, delightful gameplay, varied and interesting missions, and tons to do. Bring on the third. And set it in outer space or something. Just kidding. Set it in Arlington, Texas! Just kidding. That would be horrible. People would ask, why did Ubisoft spend millions of dollars building this suburban wasteland? For that matter, why did Arlingtonians? Ha ha! We live in a car-dominated void utterly bereft of community or beauty! Ha! Seriously, though. The games are unique for bringing to life the world’s great cities, the unique locations that humanity has raised into history, so it is amusing to imagine our horrible cities receiving that same treatment. You have Florence and Venice, havens for and repositories of art and genius and the spirit of human inventiveness, and then you have Arlington, which has more fast food chains per capita than any other city in the world.
  • Bioshock 2. It would raise nerd ire to assert that this game is far superior to the first, if anyone really cared that much. But, dammit, it is. The story is better. The gameplay is more polished. The moral decisions are more complex and interesting. Everything is better. It only lacks the originality of the original, for obvious reasons.

Watching:

  • Season 3 of Breaking Bad. This show matures, getting more complex and richer with age. The third season is even more rewarding than the second, which stands as one of the greatest narratives ever told in the medium of TV. Best show on the air right now.
  • Season 5/32 of Doctor Who. No one knows about Matt Smith yet, but I think Steven Moffat is doing a good job of running the series. So far we’ve had a handful of great episodes, some pretty good ones, and one or two clunkers - but it’s always been fun.
  • I still have to watch the finale of Lost. Can’t wait to be done with this show forever, and to exorcise my bile by writing a vicious retrospective for RevolutionSF.

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KSR makes me feel good about space travel.

May 19th, 2010

From an interview on Strange Horizons:

LJ: Where do you see space exploration going in the next 50-75 years? From all that has been found out recently about planets like Mars—and now the research interest in Pluto—do you think our exploration of space can possibly help us deal with the environmental crises on Earth?

KSR: Well, comparative planetology is a powerful tool for investigating how Earth’s biosphere behaves, so going to Mars and studying it would be a great thing to do. Even if most of the big lessons from comparative planetology are already learned (if not applied to Earth yet), still the news of people on Mars would emphasize every day that we too live on a planet, finite and capable of crashing ecologically. So space exploration still has a defensible place among the human projects, I think. None of it is going to go very fast, but that’s okay too. It would mean that significant space travel would be occurring in the context of a healthy global culture.

Yes….

And then:

LJ: What are your views on globalization and the so-called global village?

KSR: Globalization seems to be one name for late capitalism’s enmeshing of every culture on Earth, and the biosphere itself, into its system of strip-mining for short-term gain. I think globalization should be understood to be a malignant process, like a social cancer.

The “global village” on the other hand strikes me as real, for the fraction of the world’s population that has access to the global media, and potentially very good for world history. Not everyone is in the village, but it may be a really big fraction; and maybe almost everyone is aware of the rest of the world, more or less fully. It’s an information cascade that has touched everyone not living in isolation. That awareness of everyone else on the planet can very easily lead to the conclusion “we’re all in this together,” which while frightening for the currently privileged to contemplate, may yet be a spur to action by all, and to a general support of justice applied worldwide. Permaculture as the global project of the global village; as opposed to globalization, which is a kind of Taylorization of all humanity.

Oi. This guy gets it. I’m remembering from the Mars trilogy how he describes that humanity (in a few hundred years) has ample resources and incredible command over the natural world, and now they can begin the real work of humanity: building a decent society.

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White Man’s Genre

May 19th, 2010

I was looking at a photo gallery from the recent Nebula awards, and the appearance of Eugie Foster, an Asian-American, suddenly threw the utter whiteness of everyone else into sharp relief. Wow.

I’ve read before that scifi is generally considered a white man’s genre, and while I won’t speculate on why that is, because I’m busy, dammit, the numbers certainly bear it out. A clear majority of the authors in these photos are white men and women, with two non-whites: Eugie Foster and Saladin Ahmed. (Unless I missed anyone.) This isn’t remotely representative of America’s population.

Let’s see. Part of the under-representation of minorities might be merely ignorance on my part. I can name two African-American authors - Samuel R. Delaney and Octavia Butler - one Asian-American - Eugie Foster - and absolutely zero Latino-Americans.

(Fortunately, women have made significant headway in the genre - the pictures of this year’s Nebulas have many more females than they would have thirty, forty years ago.)

Like pretty much everything else, science fiction would benefit from diversity. We need more kinds of stories told. More experiences. More variety.

It may not be as bad as all that. A quick google search might help me discover more authors of various races. But my internet connection is shit. So I’ll do that later. I did buy a paperback containing three Octavia Butler novels, and I look forward to reading it. I also bought Delaney’s The Einstein Intersection; here’s hoping it’s readable. I wanted to like Stars in My Pocket so much…

Expansion: Of course this is a well known problem in genre literature. I’m only noting it today because I was looking at the Nebula pictures this morning and it came to mind. The problem has been well discussed before.

Kind of tangentially, Kim Stanley Robinson in an interview once said that “science fiction is the appropriate genre for the US”. He also mentions that Latin America and Asia do magic realism much better than North America, postulating that magic realism is a “way to speak about Latin America”. Scifi is appropriate for the US, magic realism for Latin America, high fantasy for mid-war Britannia. Okay. Why is scifi appropriate for North America? It’s progressive, it’s rational, it’s in love with the future and the same attitude of inevitable human progress that has defined America since World War II. One could note that this defines White America; unfortunately, many of the minorities in America have been historically left out of that grand futurism of the fifties to seventies that we used to think would lead inevitably to Star Trek fantasies. The experience of Asian, African, and Latin Americans in those decades was quite different.

This doesn’t mean that there’s not room for those cultures to participate in science fiction, only that it needs to grow away from its middle class white male roots. Maybe the growing dominance of Asian Americans in our technical fields will lead to more authors from those genres. But then you can view it as a microcosm, that the problem with diversity in scifi is a problem with diversity in America overall.

Expanded expansion: Alex wondered in the comments if there’s much pressure on minority writers to write “minority” fiction, even when it’s genre fiction; whether they’re pressured to “represent” their minority, or if the publishers may try to market their books accordingly. I don’t know. Might be able to find out by poking around on the internet or, you know, talking to some minority writers. I know I’m always under pressure to chronicle the novelty of the white male experience.

But seriously. I find myself taking pains to include in my books female characters and characters of multiple races. This is not some kind of tokenism or because I’m bored of imagining white guys all the time, but an effort to bring diverse points of view into the narrative. Of course we must remember that it is not only our cultural backgrounds that make us diverse, but also our individuality, viz., we are much more than our race. China Mieville, who is good at so many things, is quite good at representing diverse cultures in a fantasy world, with such depth that it reflects our integration of multiple cultures in our own world.

Expanded expansion of the expansion: Alex, like KSR, mentions magical realism by way of Sherman Alexie. I love magical realism - though I’ve only read Jorge Luis Borges and Salman Rushdie - and while on its own, in its native context, it is an original creation, I view its acceptance by the academia and mainstream of North America as the final triumph of speculative fiction over people who have no more ideas. It is one thing to originate magical realism or be part of a culture that does so, and consider it on its own terms; however, when you turn up your nose at comic books or fantasy or science fiction as being “unreal”, and then embrace a book where, say, a British Indian actor becomes the avatar of the devil on Earth, and a woman psychically/mystically commands butterflies, then you, sir, are an ass. I am delighted to see Borges and Garcia Marquez taught in the universities, and can’t wait for them to be supplemented by Gene Wolfe and Harlan Ellison and Lois McMaster Bujold.

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First Pro Sale!

May 18th, 2010

Sometimes thunderbolts, the kind that come out of a clear blue sky, are nice, and the grievous effects of electrocution - of one’s fortune! - are very pleasant, even lucrative, and the flaking skin - of happiness! - is - I give up. [Metaphor aborted.]

So, a year ago, I sent “The Vicksburg Dead” to Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show. It was a good story, and I thought it deserved more exposure than it got in its initial printing (and no slight to that initial printing, which was well edited and well published, but it was an indie anthology, and those can only be so successful). This was one of my favorite stories I’ve ever written, and I wanted more people to see it. So I sent it to IGMS as a reprint, and - a year later - it was accepted. It had been so long that I didn’t even know what the email was talking about until a few sentences in. A thunderbolt.

It’s my first pro sale - six cents a word, and a large readership. Two more and I can join the SFWA. And this one sale, one hopes, will wedge agents’ doors open just a leetle further when I write to them about my beautiful novels that only need an audience in order to burst into luminous sun-shattering literary rockets.

Phhffew. Now I need to come down a little bit. I’ll just contemplate for a while how a shrinking readership and rising printing and distribution costs make it virtually impossible to make a living as a novelist in this day and age. Ha! Ha!

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Fantasmaghast

May 11th, 2010

We saw Iron Man 2 last night. It was what we expected. It did an adequate job of distracting me from the problems of our crumbling society, our failing republic, the general existential dread that permeates all thinking creatures as cat urine permeates a mattress.

I have difficulty getting excited about movies any more. When I was a kid, special effects seemed genuinely new and interesting. I remember being amazed at Terminator 2’s effects, thinking how they changed my world, blew my mind. Now they are expected. They are distracting. They are annoying. We have so many special effects-driven blockbusters every year that they become meaningless; regardless of their actual quality, one fades into another. I barely remember Dark Knight. I know that it was better than Iron Man, but who can tell these things apart anymore? I have to make room in my memory for Iron Man 2, for 2012, for Robin Hood, for Avatar, for the next goddamn forgettable action-blast that nonetheless cost $200 million to make. How freaking disposable is our pop culture?

That said, Scarlet Johansson is - so hot. It was a bad idea to put her next to Gwyneth Paltrow and ask us to be attracted to Gwyneth Paltrow.

I also have trouble getting excited over movies because they are a mere two hours long. I don’t understand people who devour trailers, who talk or write excitedly about seeing [Whatever] because it will a two-hour experience. You see it and are done. You honestly don’t need to see Iron Man 2 twice. If you need to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Subtitle more than once to unpack all its subtleties, then you, sir, are an imbecile. I don’t even feel like I need to see Dark Knight twice, and it’s the densest, most cerebral summer movie we’ve had in years.

Movies are probably the most short-lived form of entertainment we have. They cost so much more to produce and take so much less time to consume than books, TV shows, video games. You pay your seven to nine bucks and see Iron Man laser-blasting robots for a little while, and you are done. It is hard to say that the experience lingers in one’s mind.

Structure structure structure structure. You can bet that there will be an initial battle where our heroes learn the nature of the enemies or their powers or whatever. Then there will be a bigger battle. The heroes will appear to be doing pretty well, but the bad guys will turn the tables and appear to be able to snatch victory from the heroes at just the last minute. It has to look like the heroes could lose at any moment, though you knew all along that they’re going to win. The same story, interchange the suit of armor or pirates or Hulk or whatever. I am bored bored bored. I want to see Iron Man succumb to alcoholism, real messy alcoholism that alienates Pepper Potts and wrecks his car. I want to see Jack Sparrow dragged to hell. I want to see the Hulk try to kill himself to free himself from his nightmare, but fail due to his invulnerability - and that failure makes him so angry that he hulks out and bites Betty in half. I want to see Spider-man forced to abort the abomination in Mary Jane’s womb - with punching. This sadism isn’t born from any misguided 80s-inspired belief that darker = deeper. It is because summer movies have made me so fucking numb that only brutal lacerations of the spirit can get me into the theatre anymore. I am sick of protagonists. I want victims and monsters.

(But I don’t want to see horror movies. Those are just awful.)

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The Ghetto

May 7th, 2010

For three years in Korea, the only English bookstore we had was a scrappy little store in Seoul called Whatthebook. Its prices were a bit steep, for used and new alike, and its sorting system was so haphazard as to be almost useless; Terry Pratchett would be filed under “Fiction” in the new book section, but under “Fantasy/Scifi” in the used books. Neal Stephenson, the opposite. So the lines were a little blurry.

Now I’ve been hitting all the old bookstore-haunts pretty hard: both Half Prices in town, the Book Rack (a sprawling derelict paperback depository in the poor part of town, the old lady captain going down with the ship), a new used bookstore with no name and a worse selection and today, finally, the Barnes & Noble megalith. We had a gift card, so we went.

While perusing all the used stores I was thinking, “I want to buy Book X; it isn’t here; it’ll probably be at B&N, albeit at a higher price.” I built my mental checklist, and in the process, I think I elevated B&N’s inventory to impossible standards, for they turned out to have very little indeed. I’m talking about big names, big important titles in genre lit: Urth of the New Sun - any of the New Sun/Long Sun books! Only China Mieville’s Bas-Lag books, no King Rat or The City & The City - only two or three Lois McMaster Bujold titles, and not a one of them a Vorkosigan book. What the hell? These are the heavy hitters of modern genre fiction. Bujold has more freaking Hugo awards than anyone other than Heinlein. Yet, almost nothing.

Gad, that made me despair. As a novelist, I hope to one day have a fraction of Bujold’s success. Does that mean my books won’t be on shelves at all?

I don’t know - I’m sure authors and actual industry people can tell you - but how many sales come from people perusing shelves and thinking, “This looks good” and picking it up? And how many sales come from fans seeking out an author’s book and ordering it off Amazon? The latter is fine for an author if they’ve already got an audience; but how far can you expand your audience if you aren’t on store shelves? I do not know! But it worries me.

Anyway, it reminded me of the argument of the validity of the F/SF “ghetto”. Heinlein is often described as the author who did the most to lift the genre out of the “genre ghetto” and give it credibility. Sure, okay. And I remember reading an interview with Kim Stanley Robinson, about his (fanfreakingtastic) The Years of Rice and Salt, which is a fairly straightforward alternate history that could pass for nongenre fiction. The interviewer asked if he’d maybe like to step outside the genre and start writing mainstream fiction. His response was basically, “Why the fuck would I want to do that? I’m a scifi titan, I don’t want to be surrounded by shitty pretentious mainstream titles in the pursuit of the literati’s idea of credibility. I have an audience and plenty of fans in the ghetto, thank you.” And KSR is probably the most “literary” SF writer alive. There’s no doubt that he could succeed in the mainstream, but he’s not interested.

So I am often caught between wanting the mainstream to recognize the validity of the art form in which I work, and learning to be satisfied with doing what I do. I wouldn’t want to be in the mainstream section of the bookstore, for sure. I wouldn’t want my fans to have to sift through fifty copies of Shopaholic Contemplates Suicide to find my books. I’m sick of literati and academics who turn their noses at a work because it has spaceships, or tentacles, or tentacled spaceships; I just need to remind myself of their irrelevance.

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What the what?

May 3rd, 2010

I have a website? What?

Egad, it’s been a week and a half. Since my last post, we had a grueling journey - not as bad as it could be, but far from a thrill. I finished Mieville’s Perdido Street Station. We were reunited with friends and family. I began Iain M. Bank’s Against a Dark Background. I built a new computer. We drove throughout our hometown, shaking our heads in resignation. We had a wild homecoming party that wasn’t actually meant to be as wild as me, Joel, and Ben made it. We played drunken badminton and somehow I cut my feet quite badly.

Let me tell you about that. I have no memory of it occurring, nor did I notice the wound the day of, but the next morning I saw that on my heel a quarter-sized flap of thick skin had been peeled back, and all sorts of black gunk had collected under that flap. I put a bandaid over it and thought about other things for a day, but, to my dismay, it had not gone away this morning. I took a pair of narrow surgical (I guess) scissors and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and went to work.

First I cut away as much of the dead skin as possible. It didn’t hurt; it was dead. However, I did have ample opportunity to observe and remark upon the amazing toughness of my heel-skin. I go barefoot quite a bit. I have cut through leather boots more easily. I considered saving the skin, but couldn’t think of a use.

Then I scraped away what gunk was now exposed. It was a mucilaginous decoction of mud, rotten leaves, sticks, and insect fragments. I carefully removed it from the raw red skin with Randi’s toothbrush. A good bit remained, packed tightly under fresh, living, tough skin that I hesitated to cut away, so I probed under the fleshy overhang with the narrow scissors-point, removing the bio-slurry speck by painful speck, flicking the bloody mud solution into Randi’s contact lens case. Finally, the foreign slime gone, I flooded the whole bloody gash with hydrogen peroxide, watched it foam, grinned at the lance of pain jabbing my heel, thinking, “I am a sinner, and this is my punishment.”

But you don’t come here to read about crude home surgery, dear reader, or at least I hope not, or you’d be disappointed more often than not. (Do you? I can try. I’ve got something stuck in my other foot that I’m looking forward to excavating, and if I know you’re interested, I’ll take notes.) You come here for my meanders on writing and politics and junk.

Ah, writing. I remember when I used to do that. These days, I’ve been concentrating on increasing my physical muscles; indeed, the effort has been productive, and I now resemble one of Leonardo da Vinci’s anatomical sketches. But my mental muscles have atrophied. One must write every day, you know. The simple act of putting words on page becomes easier with practice. You are able to get into the zone more quickly and be more fruitful once you get there. However, as I am lazy by nature - no, wait, I mean “laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy” - I am only able to write when I arrange my entire life around it. I must have a routine, I must have the same designated time every dang day, or I will find excuses to put it off and do other stuff, other more quickly rewarding stuff. So, about three weeks ago, when life got difficult, I put the book on hold. And there it’s been. Now I’m out of excuses - reasons, rather, there are always plenty of excuses - reasons not to work. Dammit. Tomorrow. We’ve unpacked, jet lag is gone, I’m doing it.

Now I would like to tell you a bit about cheese. The day after our return to the states, we went to Kroger, not a store renowned for its cheese selection. And yet we managed to buy no fewer than six cheeses: cheddar, pepperjack, goat cheese, parmesan, fresh mozzarella, gorgonzola. A few days later we returned to buy cheese for the party: havarti, emmental, and more pepperjack.

It’s good to be home.

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Last day in Korea.

April 23rd, 2010

Last day in Ko-town. Last day in the Po. Three years in this town. Three years in the same area of a few blocks, bounded by the Jin Mart, the park, the fish market, Beer Hunter, Song’s Beer, Beer Funny, and other bars with great names.

We’ve been here so long; there’s no one left who came at the same time as us (barring a few weird, reclusive lifers). Our oldest friends are gone, and most of our other friends are making plans to go. There are new kids, weird alien creatures, skinny youths with their tattoos and their rock and roll. We don’t know them and they don’t know us. The old guard has dwindled. It is time to leave.

When we came to Korea, it wasn’t America we left, but Bush’s America, with its reeking paranoia and contempt for common decency and its oil obsessions. We hoped a stay abroad would give us some perspective on the homeland, and Lord Almighty, how it has! We fell in with a radical crowd here, young seditionists, anarchists and bomb-makers, vegetarians and poisoners, absinthe drinkers and polycrats, Bohemians and Luddites, Marxists and Canadians, and our politics evolved from exposure to new ideas and new people. We understand, on a level deeper than that which can easily be attained in Arlington, Texas, the many paths that the human experience can take; that there are marked differences between, say, Japanese, Chinese, and Korean culture, or even south South Korean and north South Korean culture. We’ve traveled to China, Laos, Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia, Singapore, and Japan, twice, and this job and our oft-troublesome residence in this country enabled that travel. For the travel alone, it was worth the time here.

Life in Korea has often been marked by difficulty, frustration, or our ridiculous western standards of privation, but it’s also been full of good times, good experiences with good friends, or negative experiences with good friends that become good in retrospect. We love and detest many things about this country, and while we are glad to return to the US and our friends and family there, we can’t help but feel melancholy at this place we’ve made our home. I won’t miss its misogyny, its racism, its ageism, its callous treatment towards its own youth, its 1950s understanding of fulfillment and happiness; imagine a country that never had “Death of a Salesman” or Rabbit, Run or even “American Beauty” to tell them what is so obvious to us in America. They need a sexual revolution, pronto.

Oi. To digress. We got some distance from our country. Through intimacy with a foreign country, we became more aware of our own country’s faults and virtues. America may be riddled with crime, corruption, political paralysis, but at least most of us openly acknowledge that misogyny, racism, and xenophobia are wrong; we acknowledge not only that homosexuals exist but that theirs might even be a valid way of life; we have freedom of speech not only in letter but also in practice. Korea doesn’t have any of those things. But Korea does have excellent public transit, a dearth of guns and gun violence, low crime, and almost no drugs. Their Christians, while rabid, aren’t as obnoxious as America’s Christian right, and they’re sufficiently hypocritical/impious/realistic that I wouldn’t worry about being shot to death by one of them for, say, being an abortionist or a secular humanist.

In short, I have realized that not only is America fucked, but Korea is equally fucked in different ways, and, indeed, possibly every country has its fair share of crippling problems. Though I laugh when I hear Canadians fret about, say, the government giving too much aid to its native Canadian (First Nation) (Injun) population, or that their free health care has problems; come on, guys, you don’t have three million people behind bars, or a southern neighbor on the verge of total collapse, or a global empire to sustain in the age of diminishing oil! Quit yer bitchin’, Canada!

So we return to America with a better understanding its social problems. We know now that it is possible to have a cheap, effective health care system, or to have high speed trains, or universal broadband. That not having guns in the hands of every drunk or lunatic or drug dealer doesn’t equal the eradication of personal freedoms. Et cetera.

It’s a messy country to which we return. The economy is even worse, and the politics even more toxic. We’ve got a billion dollar football stadium in our hometown, the sight of which I detest. We’ll have no choice but to drive everywhere, in cars. But we’ll also have so many cheeses….

Let me tell you about cheese deprivation. You may know that in the States I was co-founder and president of the Kaleidoscope of Cheese, an august assemblage of turophiles. We convened regularly to sample and discuss new cheeses. We found new horizons, new landscapes of culinary pleasure in bries, edams, soft cheeses, crumbly cheeses, hard pungent cheeses in wedges and wheels, spread on crackers or brushed on bruschetta.

Korea is a dark land for cheeses. “Pizza cheese”, an ersatz mozzarella, the 1960s Soviet Union version of mozzarella, is ubiquitious. It seems to be a wad of plastic or wax shot at high speed through a wire screen. They have “American cheese”, too, which is even more vile than back in the states. Some lesser bries and camemberts are available. If you pay $20 you can buy a block of Kirkland cheddar, an underachieving cheddar at best.

My palate yearns for sharp, creamy fetas, for the pungency of a blue (or bleu), for the reassurance of Muenster or edam, the hearty, stolid, unassuming excellence of emmenthal. I have two young nephews who are rapidly shooting through childhood, and I miss them, but - the cheese.

And the beer! Korea has three main brands, with respective clever nicknames: Hite (Shite), Cass (Ass), and OB (Only Barf, Onerous Ballyhoo, Obnoxiously Bathetic). There is a stout variation of one of these. Never have I had a beer that tasted worse or hurt more the morning after. The taste is awful - it’s easy to make a terrible beer, I’m sure - but how do they make the hangovers so bad? DDT is the key ingredient. Give me a Shiner, anything from St. Arnold’s, anything from New Belgium. Microbrews! Heaven. Over the past three years, I have often confronted the possibility that, if I must keep drinking Korean beer, I may one day no longer like  beer. That is a beast no man should have to stare down.

To digress. Again. Our feelings for this country are complex and conflicted. I’m glad to leave, and I’ll miss many things. I can’t wait to see friends and family and cheese and beer again, but I will miss the friends I have accumulated here. I will miss the conveniences and peculiarities. It will be difficult to resume a lifestyle of car-slavery, and it will be difficult to keep from annoying my friends with sentences beginning with “In Korea…”

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How fucked are Texas schools? This is how fucked.

April 18th, 2010

I know I’ve been using English’s most versatile word a lot in my titles, but there’s no other way to describe this. (Sorry, Mom.)

1) Everyone has heard, I’m sure, about Texas’s shameful right-washing of the history books these past few months, a blow against integrity in education that will ripple outward through the country, due to Texas’s proportionately huge buying power in the textbook industry. Thomas Jefferson is gone, the importance of Latinos in western culture is minimized, et cetera et cetera.

2) Now Temple, Texas, a horrible little highway wallow where I once got a ticket for an out-of-date inspection (on my Dad’s car, no less) is bringing back corporal punishment. Wonderful. Lovely. I’m sure that teenagers these days, with bills to pay, kids to support, drug habits to satisfy, just need a paddling to steer them straight. Christ. I’ve worked for three years in a country where corporal punishment is widely, casually used, and I can testify that it is not only ineffectual, but it encourages misbehavior.

A blow is quick. You go ahead and give your elementary antagonist the finger, or pull her hair, or scream in the hallway or whatever, take your lick, rub the wound, and forget about it as soon as it stops hurting. So the teachers apply worse and worse beatings or humiliations until the kids die. Or simply commit suicide because their teenage brains are not equipped to process such cruelty from authority figures.
Corporal punishment creates a culture that condones pain as an acceptable means of dealing with undesirable behavior, which breeds callousness among the teachers and the students - and the parents. It takes the moral high ground from the authority figures, leaving them their authority not because they are right but simply because they are the authority. I don’t think this is a lesson we want to teach our kids.
(Temple parents, believe it or not, requested the revival of state-sanctioned abuse.)
(Examples of the inefficacy and casualties of the system: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. There’s more, but we don’t have all day.)

So there is the moral argument against corporal punishment and the argument from efficacy. It simply does not work. It is more for the satisfaction of the teacher than the correction of the student. And even there it is subject to diminishing returns. It poses the teachers and students very much in direct opposition; few enough students are able to understand that teachers really do want to help and really are there to help them, that education is not a struggle between authority and individuality or laziness or apathy, but a cooperative effort between teacher and student.

A step backwards for Temple and Temple youth.

3) And this - this is just sickening. Texas suffers from a teacher shortage.  Not officially - most schools are able to fill all jobs posted, but aren’t able to post all the jobs they may need; witness swelling class sizes, soccer coaches teaching history. An effective learning environment has fifteen to twenty students. More than that, and the teacher must divide his time and energy and is less effective. Take it from a guy who’s taught classes size four to forty. The average high school class in Texas has about thirty kids, too many to reasonably control. Why can’t they hire enough teachers to get class sizes to manageable levels? Because they’re broke. Everyone is broke these days. Okay then.

But not too broke to build a $60,000,000 football stadium. Let that sink in. Sixty million dollars. That is more money than you or I will ever ever earn in our lifetimes. The economy is spaghettifying in a limitless black hole. Unemployment is through the roof. The history class may have fifty kids in it because they can’t hire another teacher, and the school lunches may be all but carcinogenic because they can’t afford decent food or people to cook it; the schools may go unheated in winter and uncooled in summer, but they by god will have football. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. How the hell am I going to live in this state?

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As a verifiable point in spacetime, the wedding was an unmitigated success.

April 15th, 2010

Everyone agreed that it happened during the day.

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Huge Fireball Appears Over Midwest; Crazy People Alarmed

April 15th, 2010

Did you hear? The end times! The end times! Obviously, 2010 is the new 2012. Theorist nuts are not content to wait. Why can’t we have 2012 in 2010? For that matter, why couldn’t we have it in 1999 - plot twist - WE DID. We’ve been dead this whole time. The fireball is the reincarnation of Virgil sent to guide us through hell on an ecstatic journey of the soul.

Kidding! The fireball is global warming. Yes! How could you warm the globe and not expect to get freakish flashes of light over middle America? Get used to it! Earthquakes, too. The Haiti quake - Chile - China - the Iceland volcano - global warming! You raise the temperature of the atmosphere a degree or two celsius and OF COURSE the earth is going to tear itself apart along the fault lines! I think we can expect trenches where the Himalayas and Rockies are currently. I am buying future beachside property in Wyoming. They laugh - now.

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Bite: Chomp: Currently and Recently

April 13th, 2010

Recently:

  • First They Killed My Father, by Loung Ung. Blatant false advertising. The father isn’t killed until almost halfway through the book. Just because you’re a genocide survivor doesn’t mean you can lie on your book cover, Mme. Ung! But it was a good read nonetheless, and by “good” I mean that it was so harrowing, it painted a portrait of a very recent and modern real-world hell so vividly that I felt a rush of liberal guilt all over again, just like the very first time I heard where Chiquita Bananas really come from. Ha, but seriously. There was nation-wide starvation and brutal mass murder at the same time as we Americans were watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show and complaining about high prices at the pump. I’m not saying that we should feel guilty for things we weren’t aware of, remotely complicit in, or even existing during - but, Jesus, it puts modern whinging in perspective, non? The next time you hear a Tea Partyer worrying about the safety of his social security and the risk of high taxes, beat him over the head with a legless Cambodian child’s prosthetic and explain that he has not yet begun to suffer. Apply the lesson to yourself, as well, the next time you complain about your job, your poor cell phone reception, or your botched dental surgery, and slowly, you will become a better person. FACT.
  • Beyond Heaven’s River, by Greg Bear. He’s a famous scifi writer! I first tried to read Moving Mars but found it so frightfully dull that I could not penetrate beyond the first chapter. River was better; a WWII Japanese pilot is nabbed by aliens and lives in captivity for five centuries, forced to reenact a tumultuous period in Japanese history; he is then discovered by the rest of the weird, wild galaxy. What ensues is gripping, melancholy, and bizarre, and ultimately adds up, somehow, to much less than the sum of its parts. Bear presents a fascinating future setting, but he barely seems interested in it. He gives us good characters, but doesn’t really do much with them.
  • Theatre, by W. Somerset Maugham. This can be described as “a novel by W. Somerset Maugham.” That is a good thing. Great dialogue, meticulously developed characters, a captivating depiction of life on the stage back when theatre meant something.

And currently:

  • Perdido Street Station, by China Mieville. I’m reading his Bas-Lag novels in reverse order. I am saddened that this is the last one for the foreseeable future. It is so so good. I’m 140 pages in. The characters are better than in The Scar, and the plotting better than Iron Council. The city of New Crobuzon, a better character than any of Mieville’s actual humanoids, is front and center, and the book benefits with a bustling, humming energy not found in the more sedate, leviathan Scar.

Playing:

  • Bully, on PC. It’s a lot of fun! Rockstar Games are known for their fun, perhaps the first requirement by which games should be judged. The GTA formula translates with surprising explicitness to a high school setting; refreshing, too, is the fact that the protagonist is not a cold-blooded killer, and that the game is, at its heart, pretty good-natured even when it’s nasty.
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor on DS. I’m playing this because I can’t get a copy of Strange Journey, but this is pretty dang good in its own right; a strategy RPG where you summon and control demons, set in modern Tokyo. The plot is interesting, the characters aren’t as annoying as JRPG standards, and the gameplay is fun, deep, and challenging. Can’t wait to play Strange Journey, though. This is my first entry into SMT; I should probably have started with a Persona game or whatever, but - whatever.
  • The newest Sam and Max hits tomorrow or the day after, methinks. I preordered the season way back when. Can’t wait.

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Some Days I Want to Bite Everything

April 13th, 2010

And everyone. Just leave my teeth marks in the world. My teeth, dispensing truth and justice, poised like thirty-two ivory Batmen in my mouth; my tongue the salivary lash; chomp, chomp, THE AGONY OF TORN FLESH, and your mistakes are corrected! You see clearly for the first time!

No need to thank me; but I don’t mind if you do.

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This is so fucked up I don’t know where to begin.

April 7th, 2010

This is the sort of thing I mean when I say things like, “It is impossible to underestimate how thoroughly Protestantism has screwed this country.”

The gist: in Wisconsin, it is illegal for minors to have sex; they can be charged with sexual assault. So sex ed teachers who teach anything other than abstinence-only education can be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, the state attorney, who happens to be a Republican, warned them.

His logic is that this sex education “sexualizes” children and encourages sexual interaction between them. Obviously, without sex ed, kids would wait until marriage to have sex; there would be no rapes; sex would not be used as a weapon, or as a tool, or for pleasure, but purely procreation, just like in the good old days, that mythical 1950s without the Bohemianism, black people, poor people, or drug use in which Republicans want to live and in which they think everyone else wants to live.

Let’s pick apart this ball of fearhate. (My brain can’t seem to recall a word that means “hatred inspired by fear”, but one would be very useful in describing the right.)

1) The main qualification of a teacher is whether they are a good teacher, not whether their opinions conform to the political majority. A good sex ed teacher teaches… sex ed. They are not charged with crimes for doing their jobs.

2) Sex education teaches the idea of sexuality as something not to be ashamed of, but an integral part of the human experience, as fundamental as breathing; goddammit, it is reproduction, a biological fucking fact, you delusional assholes. Sex ed doesn’t necessarily glorify the act, but in a matter-of-fact discussion of an oft-forbidden topic, it removes or at least lessens the stigma - a stigma around something that is almost certainly going to happen. To think it will promote sexual assault by “sexualizing” kids as “early as kindergarten” is a gross and harmful falsehood.

3) How can it be illegal for minors to have sex in any state? What sort of 17th century law is this? How can people against big government justify interfering in a biological function? (Simple - as with so many of the cognitive dissonances that characterize the right, it is because they no longer have any stance on big or small government that they follow as a matter of principle, but merely argue for or against it when it is convenient to their personal desires/neuroses. I.e., “Stay out of our bedrooms, government! Unless they are the bedrooms of gay people.”)

At the bottom of this you find the classic fear-of-the-other that has overrun the undereducated poor whites who constitute most of the Republican party these days; fear of homosexuals; fear of sexuality; fear of women; fear of immigrants; fear of African-Americans; fear of the poor; fear of free discussion of important topics because they know their ill-built structure of belief will not withstand it. All of human progress has been a march away from fear-of-the-other, and every step of that march has been opposed by mainstream religious institutions and the political parties most intimately tied to them.

Fortunately, kids hit university and they learn that sex is an even greater pleasure than self-denial and self-righteousness; maybe they can put down their hypocrisy and teach their kids that that pleasure doesn’t necessarily need to be sneaked or stolen. Every generation gets us a little closer to meeting the bare minimums of decency.

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Versations

April 5th, 2010

No updates in two weeks, and for a good reason; life is batshit insane right now. We have three weeks left in Korea, where, you know, dear reader, we have lived for three years, and we are tying up the loose ends of those 1095 days and packing them in boxes to be slow-shipped back to the states. There are books and books, there are knicks and knacks, priceless objets d’art collected on our travels that we are now wrapping in scarves and tuks and shoving in the bottom of cardboard boxes to brave the Pacific. One hopes they will catch up to us in the states.

I am forced to reflect on the clutter of our lives, on how unnecessary much of it is, and, yea, verily, much is left behind or given away. One considers not only, “Is this Lego set or harmonica case worth shipping?” but also, “And do I want it around my house for the next forty years?” My scythe is discriminate but cruel and unsentimental when it strikes.

I am whittling myself down to a mere ten books for three weeks, which induces a sort of background panic, a worry that I might finish my current book and then be left with uninviting choices. Nominally, every book on my shelf is something I want to read at some point, but when you’re in the mood for say, George MacDonald Fraser, Georgette Heyer will not suffice. I like to keep my options open.

I once read an article in Real Simple magazine (when stranded on a desert isle, nothing else in reach) about uncluttering one’s life; “Do you have a lot of books to prove that you’re well read - instead of simply being well read?” To which I said, “Fuck you, Real Simple, fuck you to hell and back.” There are many reasons for keeping masses of books, and they are reasons that vary on a personal level. To whit, mine are (aside from the obvious, that I have them so I can read them, or the obvious joy of collection):

1) Memory hooks. After finishing a book, I revisit in my memory, regurgitating and chewing it for extra nourishment indefinitely; but my mental cud sometimes needs stimulation. I have read so many books, and so many good books, that it would require a disproportionate chunk of my brain to remember them all. So I have the titles on my shelf. I can pick up The Brothers Karamazov, with its heavy cloth binding, and the tactile sensation stirs memory in me; I remember where I finished it (Iris Bagels); I leaf through the illustrations, I read bits and pieces, and, most of all, the smell of the book - scent being the sense most powerfully associated with memory - conjures exactly the feelings of reading the book. Whenever I ride a ferry, I remember As I Lay Dying, because my copy lay in someone’s trunk for so long that it reeks of diesel fumes. And vice versa. So I can run my hand along the spines and images flood back into my mind, the closest thing we have to some sort of Philip K. Dick-ish memory-computer machine that inevitably backfires and scrambles your brains but is really just a metaphor for technological dystopianism.

2) Reference. Good writers borrow, great writers steal. I don’t know enough about music to write beautifully on the subject, but Thomas Mann did a hell of a job in Buddenbrooks. I’ve never had a transcendent mystical experience, but passages of Years of Rice and Salt make me feel as if I have. Writers learn from reading, and I might be writing and recall, “How was it XXXXX described a sunset?” Flip to the passage, and, ah, yes. I wouldn’t use those words exactly, but they may give me a push in the right direction, hint at some avenue of description I hadn’t thought of. And, obviously, nonfiction books are valuable for reference as well.

3) I might want to re-read them someday.

So. That’s why I must keep all the books I’ve ever bought.

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Currently

March 23rd, 2010

Reading:

  • First They Killed My Father, by Loung Ung. With a title like that, you’d think you’d know what to expect. But what happens first? First they have a nice lunch.
    I bought this from a one-legged kid in Cambodia. He was a virtuoso salesman, playing my liberal guilt, book-love, and frugality like alternate strings on a violin. “I don’t need I’m sorry, I need you buy!” (Displays missing leg.) (Continues to stare while I try to mentally justify why I might spend twelve dollars on a massage but won’t give him five dollars for a book so he can eat.) (I buy the book.)
    A lot of the books these legless or armless kids sell in Cambodia have to do with the Khmer Rouge; makes sense. That and Angkor Wat are what we know of the country, and where most English-language literature has been written. But, oi, one gets tired reading the backs of books and the myriad ways publishers condense and sell stories of horrific genocide. So we only bought the one, and the other legless kids were out of luck.
  • The Subtle Knife, by Philip Pullman. Listening to this one on audibook - I think I enjoy it more. The production is excellent, with occasional music and different voice actors for every character. The story is more quickly gripping than in the first part of the trilogy.
  • Gotham Central, by Ed Brubaker and Greg Rucka. A police procedural set in Gotham City. It must be tricky to be a cop in a city with supervillains and masked vigilantes. How can you justify your paycheck when Batman can do your work for you, much faster and more thoroughly? How can you do good police work at all with the Bat around? This street cop’s view of Gotham is a fresh perspective, sensitively written, nuancedly charactered. (That was a new adverb and a new verb I just invented. I gift these to you, world.)

Reading (just finished):

  • The Mars Trilogy, by Kim Stanley Robinson. Occasionally I read something so big, so remarkable, that I don’t want to talk about it for fear of diminishing its grandeur with my stupid words. This is the greatest example of that. Let me say that it is hands-down the best speculative fiction I have ever read - better than Gene Wolfe, better than China Mieville - and among the greatest works I have ever read regardless of genre. Over its 2000 pages, it forms a vision of humanity and history so complete that it supersedes the real world, and you put down the book and have to remember, “Earth… oh, yeah, I live on Earth.”
  • Fast Food Nation, by Eric Schlosser. This book is invaluable not only for its writing on our nation’s food industry - which is insidious, corrupt, riddled with injustice and unhygienic practices, and I will never eat fast food again - but also as a drama-in-miniature of how our government has enfeebled itself, groveled, demeaned itself to industry over the past thirty years. The government has systematically defanged itself for the sake of powerful meat-packing industries, lowering OSHA standards and FDA powers further and further until we’re recalling millions of pounds of beef, spinach, and peanut butter due to e.coli contamination and just can’t seem to figure out why. It is the government - the right side of it, mostly - groveling at the altar of money, sacrificing our national health in exchange, particularly poignant in this time of attempted health care reform. Thanks, Reagan, for creating our modern hell.

Watching:

  • Mad Men, season 3. Wish I were smarter. I can’t describe why I like this show; the pacing is glacial - that was okay with The Wire, but The Wire was a clear-cut tragedy with obvious dramatic arcs. Mad Men plots drift in and out on a weekly basis, sometimes drop, are often not resolved at all. But the subtle characterization and the stellar performances and Christine Hendricks’s amazing rack keep me coming back.
  • Looking forward to finally catching up on the second season of Dollhouse, and resuming Randi’s The Wire education; we’re up to season 4, one of the best. Well, they’re all the best. One of the top five of The Wire’s five seasons. David Simon’s new show Treme is about to launch, to great clamor. From me. I also have four seasons of The Sopranos to watch. So much TV. So much media.

Listening:

  • Joanna Newsom’s Have One on Me. Musically more approachable than Ys -anything is more approachable than Ys, a rabid polar bear is more approachable than Ys - but so damned big that it’s hard to listen to. I’ve started it ten times, never finished it. It’s a triple album, you know.

Playing:

  • Resident Evil 4. Catching up on all the PS2 games I missed on account of only buying a PS2 last year. This is a modern classic, but probably only because of the incredible gameplay, the inventive level design, the freakish and horrifying monsters, the gripping momentum. Certainly not for the dialogue, which sometimes makes you wonder if the characters are actually trapped in parallel but non-intersecting dimensions and their words are passing through some distorting planar barrier. Huh. There’s a story idea…
  • Odin Sphere. Beautiful, beautiful game, lovely sprites. Fun though shallow gameplay. A surprisingly good story, a dark anime-fantasy, with darkness that actually feels justified. But does it need to be fifty hours long? Goddamn. The game suffers from sameness. I’m thirteen hours in, love the hell out of it, but don’t know if I’ll finish it.
  • Bully. Actually playing this on my PC, because only two years into its miserable little life, it cannot run any modern games. So I’m playing four year-old PS2 ports. That said, it’s a good time, with the GTA formula translated surprisingly explicitly to a high school. Ah, I love this game. It’s a blast to cruise around town on a bike, throwing eggs and firecrackers at squares and lame-oids alike.
  • After I finish RE4, I’ll be giving either Metal Gear Solid 3 or the first Yakuza game a shot, while plugging away at Odin Sphere. I might also start Dragon Quest VIII. I’ve played IV and V on my DS, and enjoyed them without qualification. And I might play Condemned on my PC if I tire of Bully; I started it some years ago, but got distracted by something. And soon Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journeys comes out for DS, a title I’ve happily anticipated for months, followed soon by the remake of Dragon Quest VI. Hoot hoot! We are what we do.

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Mars and Utopia

March 12th, 2010

Kim Stanley Robinson, whose work I worship, is often accused of utopianism. I’m finishing up the (titanic, amazing) Mars trilogy, and I see it. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, though, as his utopias are earned. (Earned like hell, after two thousand pages.) They are reached through long long processes, and they are subtle and meticulously built. They are feasible, realistic, and, more, they seem to have significance. I’ll try to explain.

In the Mars trilogy (mild spoilers), there are two main factions on the planet - the Reds and the Greens. The Reds want to keep the planet unspoiled and as lifeless as possible, everyone confined to living in tents. The Greens want to terraform the planet, create an atmosphere, seed it with plant and animal life - make it another Earth, basically, with all the good and bad that entails. The Reds disagree. Great, another Earth, humanity spreading like bacteria, building everywhere - who wants it?

(And here’s the spoiler.)
At the end, the Greens win by default, because the mere presence of humans, in tents or no, adds BTUs to the atmosphere and would slowly terraform the planet even if they didn’t take other aggressive measures, which they do. After a few hundred years, it’s green, the atmosphere is breathable, a large ocean covers much of it. Great, another Earth. Or it would be, but for something incredible happening in the transition.

By leaving Earth, the settlers break free of their old societies. They are no longer bound by old governments or societies or their respective mores and customs, and they are able to lose many of their old prejudices. They are also thrust into a situation that requires assimilation. Many third or fourth generation Martians are of untraceable ethnicity; one character has Trinidadian, Japanese, Anglo, Greek, Polynesian heritage. Most people are also highly educated. They are able to pass a quite liberal constitution, with heavy elements of socialism. They are able to guarantee health and even wealth to most of their citizens. They do not totally eradicate war or crime, because it’s not a fairy tale. But Mars is the best place in the solar system to live.

Then something really cool happens - they aroform Earth to a limited extent. Their constitution’s emphasis on the rights and worth of the individual, their verification of the sanctity of life, their quasi-socialist yet highly successful economy, their joint responsible stewardship of the land - Earth sees how successful these practices are and begins to emulate them, breaking up many of the huge transnational corporations into employee-owned cooperatives, spreading wealth around. So that the terraforming of Mars is not merely the creation of “another Earth”. It is the creation of a utopia that teaches the rest of humanity how to achieve utopia, a gift for humanity beyond reckoning.

It made me think of what I want for humanity, and whether we could achieve something similar. I think that, given unlimited time and resources, we could achieve utopia. Unfortunately we have neither. Oil will be gone in forty or fifty years, gone for all practical purposes (that is, popular purposes) in twenty or thirty, and with it our modern industrial economy and our modern petroagriculture, the only thing that ever allowed the Earth’s population to pass two billion. And then - a Malthusian crisis beyond imagining. (Great! Just in time for my old age.)

It’s sobering to think about, when so few seem to see beyond the immediate concerns. The panic over the economy is the panic of the wealthy (and, yes, I mean America’s lower class, because even they are wealthy compared to most of the rest of the world) to retain their wealth, being unable to understand that economic values are not the only values. Likewise the rabid opposition to anything that whiffs of socialism. Yet in this economic failure we are seeing the failure of those values. This is one of those little growing pains that civilizations go through, a crisis of change. The goal seems to be a return to business as usual, but business as usual was a rancid, moribund cultural stagnation; no, we won’t go back to business as usual; after this crisis, we will be one step closer to utopia or dystopia. Robinson, insightful as always, said in an interview that humanity always seems to be in a race between utopia and catastrophe.

But one must consider the perfect world built by unrestricted capitalism (as, say, Heinlein seemed to want so badly). Everyone is rich. That is all. Everyone has enough to eat and cars in the garage. Well, not everyone, because capitalism requires bottom bricks in the pyramid of wealth. But surely you would be rich, because you’re an honest, hard-working American. I thought of it when I was in Singapore, one of the richest countries in Asia. There are miles of high, glossy shopping malls, and they are all packed, all the time. Singapore’s prosperity is the product of ambitious capitalism (tightly controlled by the government, so, so much for that). They have made everyone rich. (Well, not everyone, as the gulf between the rich and poor is widening and widening in that country, and they’ll face a Malthusian crisis of their own soon enough, this little country where everything is imported. But, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that Singapore is the successful product of unregulated capitalism, because it’s probably the best example we can find in the real world.) Everyone is rich, everyone seems happy. But the government can’t give them meaning; it can only give them money, and hope that they can find meaning with the corresponding freedom that entails. I don’t know. I can only look at so many towering Prada stores before I get a little nauseated.

Korea - same boat. Successful government-driven mega-capitalism, and a hugely materialist youth. The insane suicide rate suggests that they are not satisfied. Japan, too. It isn’t enough for governments to strive for wealth if we are to achieve utopia. But striving for ideological fulfillment is a vague thing and hard to do. No one knows what they want, and few solutions work for more than one person. Read some books, I guess.

Unfortunately, self-actualization is antithetical to the powers that be. The government does not want it because then you will not vote how they tell you to. You may realize how much you’ve been getting shafted and demand your rights, and then they’d have to do something. The industrialists do not want it because then you won’t buy their products. The religions do not want it because then you’d stop going to church. If you learn to dispense with created needs, you’d have no use for these things, and then where would they be?

Education does want self-actualization, but education is an arm of the government, and it has been enfeebled correspondingly for commercial interests. It’s hard to walk around the UTA campus and imagine your classmates burning draft notices or organizing protests. Man, that’s one thing I love about Korea. The protest culture is freaking insane. It’s hard to overstate how crazy it is. Part of this is because everyone now middle-aged grew up under a military dictatorship, and the only way they got democracy was by taking to the streets. That is the way they get stuff done here. It leads to the world’s most violent legislative body, sure, but it means that Koreans care passionately about their politics. They will burn and disembowel themselves. They will drop their pants to protest a soccer game. They eat flags. They throw manure on imported beef. They rip apart live pigs. They chop off their fingers. They chop faces off dogs. They behead mannequins and cover themselves in bees.

Doesn’t that make you feel lazy? Cover yourself in bees - for change!

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Lornks

March 11th, 2010

The AV Club has a surprisingly enlightening interview with Chris Avellone, lead designer of Planescape: Torment, perhaps my favorite game of all time. I’ve played it through at least four times - original, daring, never since repeated. And they talk about converting The Wire into a video game. Huh.

I’ve always been a fan of Obsidian’s work; it ain’t their fault that Lucasarts and Atari screwed up their two big titles to date by pushing them out early. Technically, they have difficulties sometimes, yes, but the content is more interesting and more provocative than anyone else’s. This personality is important, as Bioware descends more and more into blandness.

And Cracked has an amusing article about explorers and their lies that changed the world, which I mention here only because I have two comments that are incredibly erudite and that I do not want to submit to the comment maelstrom of the page itself:

1) The headless men described by Walter Raleigh are almost certainly based on the blemmyae described in the Die Schedelsche Weltchronik, and so not invented by Raleigh, and

2) I’m sure Marco Polo actually went to China. I’ve read his book, and it’s too damned boring to be fabricated. If he lied about everything, he’d have more interesting things to say than, “These people use paper money and are subject to the Great Khan. Their exports are foodstuffs and textiles.” About a hundred times. Per chapter.

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I can feasibly get excited about the next Pirates movie.

February 28th, 2010

… if you base it off Tim Powers’s On Stranger Tides and hire demigod Ian McShane to play demigod BLACKBEARD. Holy hell, Hollywood, are you going to do something right?

I was lukewarm on Powers until I read the mind-blowingly great Anubis Gates; now I am enthusiastic. And Ian McShane elevates anything he’s in, even Kung Fu Panda. He should be in everything. EVERYTHING. And playing Blackbeard? How badass is Blackbeard? Example: (in history) when he was killed, he had six gunshot and seventeen sword wounds on him. The seventeenth took his head off. Then they threw his body overboard and it swam to shore. No fooling.

Yes, this could be a good movie.

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“Le Danse Macabre” published

February 28th, 2010

At EDF, a few weeks ago - I didn’t notice, and they didn’t tell me. But here it is! I see from the comments that many people didn’t get it, which is about right.

Am I alone in that I find it okay for art to confuse or mystify me? In that I even enjoy it when art provokes that reaction? In that I do not think difficulty equals pretension?

P.S. Back from vacation, updates to resume soon.

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Tears of Clobbersaurus

February 18th, 2010

Did you see this one on Thousand Faces? No? Et voila.

Tears of Clobbersaurus
By Jens Rushing

The Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth, designed by the masterful Tadao Ando, is that city’s foremost cultural treasure. Its five shining concrete-and-glass pavilions are surrounded by a glittering reflecting pool, beyond which the skyscrapers of downtown thrust into the blue prairie sky. The Modern’s galleries hold some 2,600 works of art by the likes of Picasso and Pollock, Serra and Serrano. The high glass walls are designed to flood the galleries with natural light; they are not designed to repel an attack by Clobbersaurus.

Two blows from his scaly fists sufficed to shatter the tall front doors, even though it was the first Sunday of the month, when anyone can enter for free, even half-ton lizardmen. A sweep of his spiked tail destroyed a stand of reasonably-priced Yoshitomo Nara collectibles. Anselm Kiefer’s masterwork Papst Alexander VI: Die goldene Bulle hung on the far side of the entry gallery; “Monstrous pile!” snarled Clobbersaurus, and ripped the canvas in half with his powerful claws. “Flee, ye sons of man!” he shrilled in his lizardly voice, and the patrons did just that, streaming through the destroyed doors and to the safety and security of the nearby Kimbell Art Museum, which displayed works no later than the Post-Impressionists. Its limestone vaults were built during the Cuban missile crisis; Clobbersaurus would be no threat to them.

From the top of the obscenely ugly forty-three story Burnett tower, the Lone Wrangler brooded over his city. As near as he could tell, all seemed to be at peace, and – Land o’ Goshen, was that the sound of forty-foot glass walls shattering?

The Lone Wrangler dove off the tower, clicked his thrustospurs together, and rocketed westward along 7th Street. By Gum, the east wall of the Modern was down, the shards reflecting in the reflecting pool like so many shredded goldfish, and someone was mangling his favorite Josef Havel sculpture.

“Clobbersaurus! I shoulda known! All right, ya varmint, drop that there exquisite leadcast and let’s get to fisticuffs!”

“Wrangler! My quarrel is not with thee, but with this so-called ‘art’. I would fain wipe my crevasse with this Diebenkorn’s Urbana #6, but since my transformation, I no longer excrete, so the act would be symbolic rather than practical – I will settle for spindling and mutilating within my mighty talons! Urbanal, more likely! Ha!” And he shredded the hapless painting.

“All right, Mr. Saurus, you step away from the neoplasticism, nice and easy-like. Let’s step outside and have us a tussle. I reckon I kin whip you six ways from Sunday.” Keep his gums flapping, the Wrangler thought, and get him away from the priceless art. “Let’s settle this like man and lizardman. If’n ya ain’t yeller.” His hands moved slowly to his pair of 1876 Colt Laser Action Revolvers.

“My quarrel is not with thee, Wrangler, but with the masters of De Stijl! Regardless, I will not hesitate to pulp thee into pallid palimpsest, shouldst thou seek to cross swords. Avaunt, varlet!” And before the Wrangler could draw his guns, Clobbersaurus vaulted to Carl Andre’s Tau and Threshold sculpture, which he hurled at the Wrangler with all his might, smashing through Dan Flavin’s irreplaceable Diagonal of May 25, 1963. “My true objective awaits upstairs. Harry me not, for I smash for the greater good!” Clobbersaurus tromped upstairs, flinching briefly at Andy Warhol’s self-portrait.

The Wrangler clicked his boots together and rocketed up the stairs, crashing into Clobbersaurus and knocking him forward, where he sprawled beneath Rothko’s Light Cloud, Dark Cloud. The Lone Wrangler’s heart sank. Once confronted with abstract expressionism, Clobbersaurus would enter a killing rage.

“Maybe we ought to parlay a little,” the Wrangler said, leveling his Laser Actions at Clobbersaurus’s head. “What’s got yer hackles up?”

“These execrable canvases,” Clobbersaurus growled. “Look at them! What have we here? Three rectangles on an orange background, rendered with the consummate skill of a palsied six year-old! How many millions did the museum pay for this dreck? Once art sought to uplift, to eludicate, to move! Now it only confounds, confuses, obfuscates! It creates barriers where it ought to pierce them. It corrupts where it ought to beatify; it is an elitist exercise in absurdism that destroys hope and the quest for meaning, engineered with its own extinction!”

The Wrangler considered the piece. “I always understood Rothko was about the interplay of colors and such-like.”

“And Rembrandt isn’t?” said Clobbersaurus bitterly.

“Well, now, that’s just backwards-lookin’,” said the Wrangler. “We got to move forward.”

“We are under no obligation to innovate for its own sake. So-called innovation gave us this abortion!”

The Wrangler scratched his head. “Well, I don’t know about that…”

“Allow me to phrase it this way. Wrangler, what is the income of your everyday persona?”

“I do okay. Maybe forty-five big ones a year.”

“And Messire Rothko splashed this dross out in a month, and earned seven million for it. You could do this. Your child could do this, could he not?”

“Well, yeah! It doesn’t seem fair, really! How do they get away with it?”

“Obfuscation, Wrangler. It is a stranglehold on our creative throats. It is an insult to the intellect of a nation. It is injustice on a national scale. For every Joseph Beuys, there are a thousand unburied corpses.” And Clobbersaurus shed one crystal tear.

The Wrangler holstered his guns. “Get on up, Clobbersaurus,” he sighed.

“Thou wilt not stand in my way?”

“Shucks! I’ll help you! Then I’ll take you to Jamba Juice and buy you a smoothie.”

“The Blueberry Blaster is rich in antioxidants,” Clobbersaurus rumbled, raking his talons across the canvas.

The End

Yes, I hate all art. Next week we’ll have a story about cowboys.

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Delectation

February 15th, 2010

Who knows what I was thinking?

Delectation
By Jens Rushing

Grinning like horses. Clapping staccato like mad moths or iron swallows dying in gilt barbed-wire cages. The great man takes the stage. Nod horse’s head, left-right, up-down, flattening flashbulb fusillade.

“I don’t deserve your appreciation. It’s all for the kids. Let’s hear it for them.” Thunder applause, Vulcan’s drum of war, drum of horses’ hooves on miles and miles of sun-stripped skulls. Crush like coconuts. Ham-hooks slap and slap, and meanwhile the horse-head shines smiles. Slip of paper, humble bifocals revealing human weakness in moment of triumph. The discus thrower transfixed by a javelin.

Dredging of silt and historical mud and garbage. “My wife, of course.” Spotlight smites cocktail-dress scarecrow. They all look the same when they smile. “And my kids, who taught me how to learn.” Not pictured. “And Joey in the mail room. Where are you, Joey?” Straw makes a compelling form but does nothing in the way of function. Absolutely frightful.

Words wind backward into mouth, finish with a grinding chew and lengthy swallow, centipedes clawing against the intestinal undertow. The great man returns to his seat, too many desperate handshakes en route, and the banquet begins.

Such a feast! Solomon and his court will never know such sumption. Entrée of hammered quail between sheets of gold, crusted with iridium and corundum and all the fruits of terra australis; roll in powdered permanganate parrot-tongues before baking. Aperitif of finest polypset. Nothing too fine for our marquess in the making.

Bring in the burnished bronze platters, heaped high with horseflesh, strung and striated like ribbon candy. Seeping blood like an old surgeon’s sponge. The stars in their spheres are knit from poorer stuff. Knives out, hands in.

Our marquess eats and eats. Horse-head plunges into a burlap bag of oats, scatters grains and the good things of this earth.

A broth of ox-tongues wagging. And – chief delight! Pudding of putrescent platypi, prostrate and prayerful prior to penetration. Teeth out, knives in.

And the marquess! Such an appetite. Never mind the tiny grasping hand as it disappears down his glutted gorge – when it’s gone, it’s gone. Best to laugh and hold your quaking belly. Folks like to laugh.

The marquess, wasn’t he rather a corporal man? Hardly obese. I’ve seen him in the bath, and his belly is scarcely distended, scarcely blue from lack of heart’s blood to that extremity. Not one of these sufferers of four square meals a day, with fingers thick as Havana cigars, fingertips loose and fibrous as leaf tobacco – but corporal nonetheless. Strange, then, that he should seem so thin. Yet fitting.

Look at him! Just now, under the glare of our own eyeballs, the skin tightened around that famous skull, bringing it more into relief. Like a Goya painting. Saturno devorando a su hijo. It makes more efficient use of the light that way. Only a master could achieve such an effect.

Let’s have a further tightening of the flesh on the limbs. A perfect epicure. Someone remove his coat and vest – strip away the tie, use your teeth if you must. Amazing that he doesn’t slip through the collar. He is a positive stick! Like a praying mantis, all arms and legs, rail-thin, thin as the grave, thin as the merry bacchanists in Totentanz. As a child, nothing moved me like Wolgemut’s engraving in the Liber chronicarum: the happy piper, the dancing lovers, the emperor, king, and pope, all grinning skinlessly, all equal at last, sand to sand to sand. Join hands for the Danza Macabra! It is a very great dance, and it goes on indefinitely.

The marquess has stopped eating. Surely he is not sated yet. What an insult to the chef! No – he has only paused for drink. There is barely flesh enough to work the jaw. It’s hanging by a sinew, thin and yellow as old fettucini. He persists, even while his eyes wither to raisins and his tongue to a scrap of leather. Collapse. Crumble like a mud wall. Someone take away his wife; she is laughing so. Let’s have a fiddle and a concertina. Push away the tables! Flog the piano until it sings!

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Fermi’s Dilemma

February 11th, 2010

To get the joke, you must be familiar with Fermi’s paradox. Ready? Go.

Fermi’s Dilemma
By Jens Rushing

One night Enrico was hard at work in his study when there was a knock at the door. He was puzzled to open it and find a slinky blonde and not his graduate assistant at all.

“Pardon me,” she said. “Are you the renowned Italian physicist, mathematician, and thinker Enrico Fermi?”

“That’s what it says on the door,” he said, laughing with his customary modesty.

“The winner of the 1938 Nobel Prize for Physics?”

“Well, it’s nothing really…”

“May I come in?”

“Certainly,” he said, not a little puzzled by her brusque manner.

She entered his little study. “May I ask what you’re working on?” she said, gesturing at the pile of books and star charts.

“Oh, that,” he said. “Not my usual field, but a peculiar question put to me by my colleagues recently. We were discussing the possibility of extraterrestrial life – ”

“Yes, we know,” she interrupted.

“And they posited that, considering the size and age of the universe, there certainly ought to be someone out there,” Enrico said, growing more animated as he spoke of his work. “So I asked, ‘Then where is everyone?’ For, you know, we have yet to hear a thing from the heavens.”

He thought the woman smirked a little.

“So I started looking, and requested data of radio wave receptions from the military, cross-referenced them with these star charts, and began to triangulate points of origin. It’s really rather easy when you know what to look for – ”

“Certainly it is,” she said. “That must be the simple, reductive reasoning for which you are known.”

He chuckled. “You’ll have to excuse me. I’m very excited. I had a breakthrough just before you arrived. You see, my colleagues have dubbed the whole thing ‘Fermi’s Paradox,’ when I merely asked what I thought an obvious question. But soon they’ll be calling it ‘Fermi’s Solution’ – the key to locating extraterrestrial life anywhere in the galaxy!”

“Tell me, Dr. Fermi,” the woman said abruptly. “Do you love your wife, Laura, and your children, Giulio and Nella?”

He frowned. “I don’t quite understand – of course I do.”

“You’d be heartbroken, then, if they were, say, torched by a heat-ray or poisoned by deadly black smoke?”

“Of course.”

The woman nodded. “I thought so. And it’s a nice little town you’ve got here. What’s it called again?”

“Chicago.”

“Chicago. It’d be a shame, Dr. Fermi, a darned sorry shame, if sixty-foot tripods were to crush this beautiful skyline under their titanium feet. Wouldn’t it?”

“Gosh!”

“Gosh indeed, Dr. Fermi. Oh, wouldn’t it just be terrible if the few men who survived the global devastation were deported to slave in the plutonium mines of Rigel Seven?” she said, clutching her hands to her breast. “And the millions of Earth women, young and old alike, would be forced to – oh, it’s too terrible to think about – to breed with our many-tentacled overlords and bear their inhuman spawn! Oh, gee, Dr. Fermi, my heart absolutely flutters in fright for all the little children of the world, whose corpses would positively choke the Earth’s rivers!”

He frowned.

The woman rustled his papers. “My astrophysics are shaky, but it seems you’ve made a mistake here. And you forgot to carry the two here. Sloppy work, Dr. Fermi! I hope this doesn’t affect your breakthrough. But it looks like it’s all for the best that Fermi’s Paradox remain a paradox.” She swept around him and lingered at the door for a moment, gazing into his face. He didn’t dare meet her eyes. “Ta!” she chirped, and trotted down the hall. There was a roar of wind, louder than a jet engine, a flash of blue-white light, and she was gone.

He sighed and crumpled up his notes. His medal hung above his desk. Alfred Nobel’s stern profile had never been sterner. “Don’t look at me like that,” Enrico said.

The End

Hee. That Fermi.

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Asymptote

February 8th, 2010

I wrote this while substitute-teaching a math class. When lacking ideas, just look about for any damn thing. This story was modestly published in the British zine Jupiter.

Asymptote
By Jens Rushing

Our course describes a diminishing gyre. The great bowl of the first curve swoops two hundred thousand miles wide – the next, one hundred fifty-seven thousand, give or take, and so doing, we spiral inward. The epicenter of this spiral is RUBY 34-2012, a dwarf planet suspected of titanium deposits. We will never touch the center. We chart an asymptote; our final course will hold us in orbit, each lap of the planet shaving a few millimeters from our orbit. A course approaching zero but never becoming zero – asymptote.

We’re the first to survey this little rock, and we need only photograph it. We come only to behold the thing, not to know the thing. Our craft isn’t even capable of landing. We’ll orbit for a few months, map the surface, and return home.

I use future tense when I should use the conditional: would, could, should. The condition in this exercise is that I, Terrence, am a colossal fuck-up, a mental abortion, a blind tongueless parasite unable to even push the right fucking buttons at the right fucking time, and in my utter incompetence I have graduated from dipshit to murderer.

Our crew is small: me, my brother Mike, and his wife Sara. This job was really a favor to me. I know jackshit about piloting, less about surveying, but they took me along. I needed the money, the direction, the company, et cetera, and they dropped this gig in my lap at just the right time. When I protested on grounds of ignorance, inexperience, and plain terror of spaceflight, Mike just slapped my back and said, “No worries, Terr. Piece of cake, if this monkey can do it,” jerking a thumb at Sara, who laughed and made monkey faces. That’s the kind of guy Mike is – kind, generous even if it kills him.

And Sara, the only soul that means half as much to me as Mike. After Mom died, Mike and I quit talking for a while. We just didn’t want to see each other, and we went our ways. He got into the private spaceflight sector, got so busy we couldn’t have seen each other even if we’d wanted to, and I figured it was all a lost cause. I was ready to drift off, disappear, maybe take everything in my stash at once and float off on a candy-colored cloud, when Mike called. He was in town and wanted to see me. We did Thai. He observed that I looked like hell, glossed over his work, and jabbed a chopstick through a piece of peanut chicken (cold).

Finally: “I’ve been seeing this girl.” And, on this subject, he started talking, really talking, and I knew that the only reason I was seeing Mike at all was because of this girl – that she loved him enough to learn all about him, including the dissipated little brother, the estrangement from whom was a constant source of regret, and that she loved him enough to kick his ass until he did something about it. Ergo: lunch.

Mike loved her, I could tell, more than he realized, and if I wanted to love Mike, I had to love her, too. I met her soon after, and my appreciation for her increased through the meeting. The reality lived up to the expectation. I don’t usually get along with women, or men, really, but Sara was exceptional. She was the most beautiful woman in the world, naturally, and (I can say this with a straight face) a fount of joy to all around her. She had a soothing presence. If flowers did not literally spring in her footsteps, if the lions and the lambs did not lie down together at her feet, it was only for a want of actual sorcery in the world, which I have always lamented anyway.

From the very first, she was determined to love and improve me, though I made it hard for her. But I was Mike’s brother, so I was her brother. She got me a job at their plant (which I lost) and introduced me to her attractive friends (whom I repelled), and she never gave up. And now I’ve killed her, glory be.

Things were good, even pastoral. Most weekends, we went to the garbage-strewn beach, had barbeques on their patio, drank Shiner and swatted mosquitoes and cursed the humidity. Mike unfroze. It was just like Mom had never died.

Through the glass I can see them exhale in slow-motion. The cryo cycle is deep, and the revivification process is damned complex. Their fault. Should’ve known better than to trust it to an unregenerate retard like me.

“Just follow the directions,” Mike said. “We practiced this a million times. You can’t screw this up, Terr. You’d have to be a genius to screw this up.”

When I worked at their avionics plant, I drove a forklift in the warehouse. Day two, still pretty stoned from the post-day one celebration, I ran the forklift into a stack of plastic drums filled with hydraulics fluid. The forks speared the drums, the fluid gushed out, the barrels up top tumbled down and broke with their great weight, and the warehouse was awash in the red-brown liquid. Everything happened so quick; the boss was screaming, someone hit an alarm, so I hid out in the bathroom for a while, then snuck out and never returned. How about that? I can’t even work a fucking forklift, and Mike thinks a hundred hours of training and a certificate will make a tech out of me, just because I’m clean these days. I kept telling him – it wasn’t the drugs that made me such a fuck-up.

So I was horrified, devastated, but not surprised when the klaxon shrieked during the warm-up stage, the crucial stage three that must not be interrupted, and the seals split and spewed ammonia-stinking cryo gasses everywhere. The EKGs went berserk – beepbeepbeepbeep – and I slapped at buttons. More alarms chimed in, and I did what I did in the warehouse: I freaked. I tore at my hair and curled up in the corner while my brother and sister-in-law suffered.

Christ, how they suffered. The cryo gasses dull your senses. In training, Mike numbed my hand with the gasses and ran a needle through my palm – no pain. Yet this agony cut through the drowsy numbness. Torment transformed their faces as a lightning bolt transforms a tree. They moaned, they bit their tongues until blood ran from the corners of their mouths. They choked, they gasped, but they did not wake. I could only watch.

In stage three, the level of oxygen in the mix is slowly increased and higher brain functions are coaxed awake. The mixture must be monitored carefully at this stage, as the autosensors are incapable of the precision required. But I missed something, had to have missed something, the mix swung too far the one way, too fast, and the adreno cocktail was injected before they were ready. They were caught at the brink of consciousness in half-thawed bodies, neurons dry-firing like corroded spark plugs. No wonder, their pain.

When the cryo booth malfunctioned, and I wildly slapped at the controls, hoping for something, a gasket popped, and adreno fluid sprayed across the chamber. We lost most of our supply before I got it under control. The fluid is essential to the reviv process. We have no additional doses.

They’re not dead yet, but it’s not a far trip.

We’re two years away from Earth, so returning is impossible. I don’t have the training. We’ve been taking turns running the ship all this time. Most of the time, it was all autopilot, so I only had to run on the treadmill and read book after book. The only remotely challenging part of my job was the reviv process, which I did a thousand thousand times in training, with great success.

Goddamn you, Mike. Goddamn you for doing this to me. Goddamn you, too, Sara, for trying to make something of me. Consider your lesson learned.

I tear through the tiny ship. I just need to run, to get away from them. Even in half-death, they’re saying, “You can fix it, Terr. We believe in you.” I kick the pilot’s chair and pound on the wall. I attack it, I just go nuts, kicking, screaming, pounding my forehead on it, hard, relishing the good pain. I strike my head again, too hard, and out I go.

When I wake, I’m staring through the port at RUBY. We’ve completed another lap of the planet. We’re a fraction closer to the goal we’ll never reach. I hear a new alarm from the cryo room.

The computer wants to know whether I want to continue revivification, which is strange, as the fluid levels are too low. Hope squeezes my gut, and, hands shaking, I check the fluids again, then fall back in my chair with a bitter laugh.

One. I can save one of them. The other will endure the reviv process without the aid of stimulants. In simulations, this is one hundred percent fatal.

I can’t deal with this right now. I refuse to. My veins itch ferociously: my brain swells and strains against my skull. I need a hit like I’ve never needed one before. I’ve been clean five years now. I owe that to Sara, too. She kicked my ass just like she’d kicked Mike’s. One day when they came over to my place, she surprised me in my room with a trash bag full of hoses, used hypos, spoons caked with dried blood. She dumped them in a heap on my bed. “What the fuck, Terr? What the fuck?” And I didn’t tell her to piss off, didn’t tell her to mind her own business, thank you, didn’t tell her off for snooping. I was only bitterly aware that I’d disappointed her.

Shame is a great tonic. Shame has a bad rap. It drove me through rehab, kept me clean, because I could not stand to disappoint that source of unreasoning and profound love that terrorized me so. Again – it was like having Mom back.

She healed me. I owe her my life.

And Mike – is my brother.

Their lives are in my hands. They put them there.

I watch RUBY for a while. Then I have an idea. A great idea. The substances for reviv are shot, yeah, but what about for cryo? I check. Mike and Sara can stay cold indefinitely. No ship will ever come this way, of course. We’re in the true anus galaxi out here, and this trip is a private venture, so no one is going to come looking for us.

After divorce, something like sixty percent of the newly created singles remarry within two years. They acquire stepchildren, and get to work procreating with their new spouses ASAP, when all logic dictates caution before re-entering the same snare.

If an elephant falls to poachers, the surviving herd will raise its young.

The cuckoo lays its egg in the nest of other birds, and they raise it as their own. My point is, every living creature instinctively seeks to rebuild its family.

So, orphaned, I rebuilt mine. We rebuilt it, with Sara the foundation, Mike the walls, and me – the curtains. Curtains you can do without, but a house without floor or walls is just stupid. Abomination.

I take off my shoes and socks. I set the timer for the freeze cycle. I climb into the cryo chamber between my brother and sister-mother and take their hands in mine. The lid clicks shut and the chamber floods with cryo gasses.

Through the glass, and through the porthole beyond that, I watch RUBY disappear as the gasses strangle my mind. We will sleep indefinitely. We will approach death in a descending curve, running almost but not quite parallel. A course drawing fractionally nearer and nearer to death but never reaching it – beholding the thing but never knowing it. Asymptote.

The End

Now I am sad. So are you. See you next time.

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Blankenship & Dawes in: Crocodopolis! Conclusion.

February 4th, 2010

Our heroes are captured by bestial savages. What’s next? Who knows? I do, and you could, too, if you but read a little further.

“But these croc-men can’t help their origin,” James protested. “They deserve an unbiased judgement. Remember: no one civilization is inherently superior to another. The idea of comparing a race or people to another and calling one ‘good’ and the other ‘bad’ is the imposition of race-hatred and anathema to science.”

Bellows’s eyes flickered from James to Avery. “What do you think, lad?” he asked, and Avery sensed that more than James’s opinion was at stake here.

Avery was quiet for a moment. “I stand by James,” he said at last.

Bellows was not to be deterred. “I say we exterminate the brutes.”

“What about educating and uplifting?” James interjected.

“When it’s possible. These are clearly unrepentant savages, beyond the help of white men. The best thing we can do for them is grind them under our heels.”

“Your logic dizzies me,” James said.

“Can you honestly say these degraded beasts are men?”

James rubbed his chin. “I agree that they exhibit some symptoms of isolated populations, such as overadaptation and inbreeding. I noted that many of them have the epicanthic folds indicative of the syndrome described by Doctor John Langdon Down – a common trait among so-called ‘degenerate’ peoples.”

“It’s like a Haggard story,” Avery said. “A lost peoples, fallen to barbarism…”

“Again, that is a scientific inaccuracy,” James said. “Barbarism and degeneracy are neither vices nor virtues. Mr. Bellows here seeks to assign moral values to the toss of genetic dice; dangerous, foolish, and scientifically absurd!”

“They’re monsters,” Bellow said bitterly.

Larsen spoke up, surprising them; they had forgotten the Swede’s presence. “I agree with Mr. Blankenship. I may not know much about ethno-anything, but I’ve traveled the world, and mixed with Kanakas, Venezuelans, Tahitians, the clean-limbed and able men of Vanuatu and Papao and Brisbane, stout men and true, Russians, Cubans, Chinese, Floridians by way of New York and Reykjavik, cutthroats from Sao Paulo, sinners from Madagascar, scoundrels and saints in skins of white, black, red, yellow, and every shade of brown, and I know one thing for sure. Folks can be reasonable once you learn how to talk to them. I learned a bit of Confucius from a Manchoo exile on a sealing schooner, and he told me the mark of a true gentleman: all within the four seas are his brothers.”

Silence hung over them for a moment. Avery broke it with a slow clap. “Well said, mate.”

The temple door crashed open and ten croc-men entered, led by a tall and powerful-looking specimen who wore a crown that, Avery realized with a shudder, was crafted of human bones and studded with human teeth. Around his neck he wore a small leather pouch on a string. They approached the cage, unlocked the door, flung it open, and grabbed Larsen, who happened to be closest, and pulled him from the cage while keeping the other men at bay with their spears. Avery would have rushed them and given his life if he thought it would free the others; perhaps the croc-men sensed this, and so most of the spears were directed his way. They closed the gate and left a youngling at guard.

Larsen struggled but made no cry, until he saw the knife. It was a single long piece of jagged flint, and the king wielded it viciously. The croc-men forced Larsen down on the altar and tore his shirt open. “They’ll kill him!” Avery said.

“We are witnessing some degradation of an eons-old Atlantean ritual,” James said. “I am fascinated even while I am mortified.”

“Sucks to that! I’m getting us out of here,” Avery said, and he put words into action; his mighty arms shot between the bars of the cage and snared the guard around his thick throat. Avery choked his enemy’s alarum to a gurgle, squeezing him between granite-hard forearms and the sturdy cage. The croc-man kicked and struggled without weakening; Avery could not squeeze the half-human’s windpipe through the armored skin.

Bellows appeared at his side. “Here, lad,” he grunted, and, reaching past Avery, sawed at the croc-man’s throat with the penknife. It opened in an incarnadine spray, and the croc-man expired after a frantic thrash. Avery dropped the corpse after taking the knife and spear.

The remaining croc-men were absorbed in their ritual. Fortunately for Avery (unfortunately for Larsen), Avery had assaulted the guard at the precise moment the king sank his knife into Larsen’s abdomen; Larsen’s tortured screams and the Stygian cackling of the croc-men covered the sounds of the scuffle.

“They’re removing his liver,” James said. “You know, the Egyptians considered the liver, rather than the heart, the seat of emotion. That’s another point in favor of my theory of a prehistoric pan-Mediterranean culture.”

With his fallen foe’s flint knife, Avery hacked at the cage lashings. A bar loosened, and he knocked it from the cage, weakening the structure and allowing him to work more effectively.

Avery reduced the cage to poles, splinters, and shreds of ancient rope, and burst free. He took the dead croc-man’s spear, brandished it, and addressed the king and his company with a ferocious yell: “Now you will know the price of slaying a helpless man!”

He leapt among his enemies and laid to. Cold fury possessed him; he would see Larsen’s murderers slain and allow no weapon to touch him before that happened. He killed three or four before he had his next thought. Avery put his spear through the soft underbelly of the king, rammed the butt into an oncoming croc-man, and delivered a vicious sideways kick to Red Stripe. He pulled the spear from the king’s belly and plunged it into a croc-man’s eye, then withdrew it with a fatal twist. He noted Bellows holding a croc-man off with the flint knife; in one smooth movement, Avery scooped a broken chunk of marble from the floor and hurled it at Bellows’s opponent, knocking him to the ground. Bellows jumped on him, knife-first, and then Avery’s attention was occupied by Red Stripe, who slashed diagonally with his spear, the point nicking Avery’s square chin.

“Let’s settle this like men,” Avery said. He dropped his spear and put his fists up. The croc-man stood nonplussed for a moment, then, comprehending, relinquished his weapon and charged at Avery, claws outstretched. Avery sidestepped his charge, tripped him, put a knee on Red Stripe’s back as he rolled on the ground and wrapped his arms around Red Stripe’s huge jaws. He pushed down with his knee and jerked back. Bones crunched.

“Well done, lad!” Bellows cried.

Avery glowered at him. “I killed a man. I don’t want congratulations.”

“Aye, you killed him, and it was lovely. ‘Let’s settle this like men’ – what was that all about, then? Sometimes, you need to feel it – ” Avery had never noticed how yellow the whites of Bellows’s eyes were, as if they had become stained along with his teeth in a half-century of hard living.

Abruptly, Avery said, “Jim, what’re you doing?” James had his magnox in a hundred pieces and was tinkering furiously.

He looked up, his eyes refocusing as his mind came back from the realm of the purely technical. “I’m sorry – I wanted to be of some help, but – this infernal weapon!”

The temple door groaned open, revealing a dozen more warriors. “No time for that, Jim,” Avery said. “Better make peace with your Indifferent Providence!” The soldiers advanced, spears held high.

“The very idea is a paradox!” James said. “There!” He raised the magnox. “Anticipate antilepton annihilation!”

The torches snuffed out simultaneously, plunging the room into darkness. Blue-white lightning blazed from the magnox and struck the croc-men; in the blackness, Avery swore he saw their dancing skeletons for half a moment, and the electrified image lingered white-hot on his eyeballs after the croc-men fell. The torches burst back to life, revealing the croc-men, dead and steaming, at their feet.

After a few moments’ silence, James said, “I didn’t expect it to work so well. I must say I’m shocked.”

“Not half so bad as them, mate!” Bellows said, and Avery burst into laughter. James laughed, and Bellows joined in. They laughed until their sides hurt.

“To digress,” James said, wiping tears from his eyes, “we’re trapped deep underground, likely under the surface of the lake. We’re surrounded by hundreds of hostile beast-men, probably alert and bloodthirsty, and however many thralls they can set against us. We must evade them and find a way to reach the surface.”

“I say we exterminate the brutes!” Bellows said, slamming his fist into his palm. “Come on, lads. You saw what they did to Larsen. They are creatures without compassion, without conscience. You can’t call them humans anymore than you can call a gorilla a bicycle tire.”

Avery was doubtful. “I don’t know, sir. They walk on two legs, and, as Jim says, they’re descended from humans…”

“Bollocks!” Bellows said. “They’re monsters. I address your attention to poor Larsen.” Avery did not look. “What do you say, Jim?”

James scratched his temple with the magnox. “I withhold my opinion on their humanity. I do not enjoy the slaughter of animals, monsters, or men. But they have placed themselves between us and liberation, and we cannot be responsible for the consequences. That said, I would avoid shedding blood however we can.”

Avery shook his head. “I feel on the first step to something dark and unfathomable,” he said, “but I must agree. We’ll do what is needed, and we’ll breathe British air again!”

Bellows grinned and hefted his spear. “That’s the spirit, my son! Let’s skewer these bastards!”

#

The croc-men charged again, and, like the last wave, they fell twitching and smoking as bolts of electricity cooked their flesh and burst their eyeballs. James was the conductor, the magno-ray his baton, and the screams and snarls of their enemies the many-voiced requiem. The blue bolt cut a swath through the croc-men and their armed slaves, and where it touched it left smoking ruin.

“I say,” said Avery, “I haven’t seen so much scorched flesh since my last holiday on the seaside!”

James laughed and replied, “Fortunately for them, the magnox delivers a relatively swift death, though that death is terribly excruciating in recompense for its brevity. An unintentional quirk of its construction, I assure you.” He blasted a squadron of murderous croc-men as they lifted their spears to throw. Their blackened corpses crumpled to the ground.

Meanwhile Bellows and Avery worked with their spears, killing any croc-men who slipped past James’s electric web of death. Though the croc-men were stronger and tougher, they lacked skill; for years, they had fought nothing fiercer than an obstinate slave, and it told on their poor coordination and virtually nonexistent tactics. Avery had no difficulty turning their strength into clumsiness, and his superior agility allowed him to overcome multiple croc-men at once.

A croc-man of great size broke the ranks and ducked a magno-beam. His size bespoke many years, and his animal eyes gleamed cunningly. He beat his scaly chest and howled a tirade at them; Avery listened for a moment, fascinated, then ran his spear through the roof of the croc-man’s mouth, lifting him upward with the tip and ramming the flint head into his foe’s septum pellucidum, via the frontal lobe and gyrus cinguli.

“What was he saying?” Avery asked, as he struggled to withdraw his spear.

“That he remembered the golden days of Crocodopolis, when man lay with croc in peace and harmony, and learning was revered above all – a golden era, when philosopher-crocs walked with gods in the many-tiered gardens, and all was light and goodness, a civilization against which Athens was an anthill and Troy a pigpen.”

“A right shame, that,” Avery said. “Look sharp, Jim, there’s a whole troop of the buggers!”

The blue lightning crackled, and fifteen more of the croc-men fell dead. By the size of their jaws and number of teeth, Avery guessed that some of them were mere adolescents.

“I haven’t seen so many butchered reptiles since turtle soup night at the Savoy!” Avery said jovially.

#

“The problem of our escape remains,” Avery said, after the croc-men were scattered and fleeing. “We’re under more tons of stone than Samson in the temple, and under more fathoms of water than Sir Francis Drake. Can you rig us up a bathysphere? Or perhaps a bathyscaphe?”

James shook his head. “I have no salvage from which to work. The only post-Stone Age implement I’ve found amongst these sad degenerates is the king’s pouch, and it contains nothing more than… a whistle.” James piped it disconsolately.

As the shrill sonorations of the whistle faded away, Avery heard a low rumbling roar from the end of the chamber, the end through which they had entered a few hours ago. An alien sensation gripped him; a second later he realized that, for the first time in his life, he was experiencing fear – for the rumbling roar heralded the arrival of none other than Eustace, king of beasts!

The leviathan came rampaging into the room, jaws open. Avery’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of those teeth, measurable in handspans, and he braced himself to fight as best he could. Under normal circumstances, he would welcome this contest, but he was poorly armed, and, after personally dispatching almost a hundred mutant croc-men, slightly fatigued. Still, he would not go quietly. Eustace would work for his dinner.

The monster was almost upon him.

James blew the whistle again.

Eustace stopped inches before his saberlike fangs rammed into Avery’s skull. His jaws gaped. He seemed to be waiting for something.

“By Gad!” Avery crowed. “Jim, you’ve hypnotized him, like a Delhi snake charmer!”

“Impossible,” James said. “Reptiles have no true ears; they sense vibrations in the ground. It’s the waving motion of the charmer’s flute that hypnotizes, not the actual sound.”

“Yet we’re unchewed! After all, he’s trained to carry men to and from the surface. We’ll just step inside and away we go. By Gad, Jim, I knew you’d get us out of this somehow!”

“Yes, well… genius, you know.”

“I’m not chomping at the bit to do this, exactly.” Avery tentatively stepped onto Eustace’s slippery tongue. “But it seems our only escape. Gentlemen, kindly step inside the crocodile.”

Bellows shook his head. “I never thought I’d hear that again. All right, lads, old men first.” Bellows stepped into Eustace’s maw; a spasm of the enormous tongue, and he was gone.

“Take a deep breath and hold it,” Avery said. “I’ll see you topside, mate!” He threw himself into the pink throat.

#

Blinking and dripping, they emerged from Eustace’s gorge and into the bright sunlight on the Tanganyika lake shore. Avery patted the crocodile’s snout.

“Thanks, old boy. To think I wanted to shoot you, you magnificent animal. Jim, think how clever he must be to play the cabman! What training, and what brains behind this scaly skull! It just goes to show, even the roughest-looking creatures can be almost like people at times. So long, chum!” Eustace slid back into the water.

“You might have said ‘see you again,’” James said. “I intend on returning to this place, better prepared and better equipped, and wresting its secrets. We have much yet to learn from Crocodopolis.”

“And the Royal Geographic Society will be happy to help, lad,” Bellows said. He extended his hand. “Or should I say Fellow Blankenship?”

“I say,” James murmured, dumbfounded, as they shook hands. “Quite an honor, quite an honor.”

“Now,” Avery said, “just where are we? He didn’t deposit us at our camp, for sure. We must be a fair piece south.”

“Judging by the flora,” James said, studying a blade of grass on the bank, “I’d say we’re on the Congo shore.”

“Aye,” agreed Bellows. “And these corpses bear the paint and jewelry of the Bakongo. We must be on the Congo side.”

They followed his gesture; the grassy land stretching away from the shore was thick with fresh corpses, perhaps sixty of them. Blood covered the grass so thickly that the stalks bent with its weight. Judging by the screams and moans, not all the men, women, and children were quite dead yet. A few very tall men, whom Bellows identified as highland cannibals, walked among the Bakongo with machetes, hacking off hands and stuffing them in pouches.

“For currency,” Bellows explained. “They can give the severed hands to the Belgians instead of meeting their rubber or ivory quotas. A good system, practical and efficient.”

A white man approached them warily. He was dressed in khakis and carried a rifle. Bellows gave a cry of joy at seeing him. “Henry Morton Stanley, I presume?” he said, his hand outstretched.

“Why, yes,” said the fellow, in a Welsh accent. “Pleased as hell to see you, Bellows.” They made introductions. “But, pray tell, what are you doing in the Congo?”

“Oh, a little field work for the Royal Geographic Society. You?”

“Working for the Belgians now. His Majesty Leopold the Second owns all the lands between the lake and the western branch of the Congo River, where the Frogs are. Administration sent me out here to stop an uprising. They were turning violent, these Bakongo, and His Majesty won’t take any chances with the rubber quotas. So administration gave me a detachment of these cannibals to put them down before anyone was hurt.”

“And thank God for that,” Avery said.

Stanley glanced at Avery, then back to Bellows. “Nasty business, sometimes, but it’s all for their own good. The International African Association’s bringing money into the region, money, and doctors, teachers, and missionaries. They provide the rubber and ivory, and we’ll do our part to bring them into the nineteenth century.”

“God’s work,” Bellows said.

“This is a damned frightful country,” Avery said.

“I was not always convinced of the wisdom of interfering with foreign cultures,” James said. They strolled through the field of massacre as he pontificated. “But if the experience of the past two days has taught me anything, it’s that these savages will enslave, butcher, or sacrifice each other in weird liver-excising rituals. They need a guiding hand, and if it needs be European, it may as well be Belgian! I always liked the Belgians – smart, efficient fellows, hard workers and good organizers. I’m pleased to see the Congo in good hands, Mr. Stanley, and I daresay it augurs well for this country’s future, and other nations lucky enough to fall under European influence! I see nothing but good things to come for Africa!”

The End

Hahaha… oh, man. That’s rough. But, seriously, colonialism is one of the worst crimes perpetrated by man, and Leopold II’s Congo is the ugliest example. (Elucidation is a wiki search away, dear readers… oh, fine, I’ll do your work for you.)

Anyway, if you’d like to argue about this buggaroo of an ending, send me an email and we’ll talk about it. See you next week!

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Blankenship & Dawes in: Crocodopolis! Part Three.

February 1st, 2010

A slightly shorter segment today, the better to whet your appetite - for murder!

Last time, our heroes uncovered strange and perplexing clues as to Crocodopolis’s origin; they confronted the dread reptilian menace known as Eustace, and now they appear to be dead. What’s next?

In the milky darkness, James heard the voice of the man who could only be Francis Bacon.

“Greetings, apostle.”

“Apostle?” James squinted. “I assure you, sir, while I may greatly admire your invention of the scientific method, I worship at no man’s altar.”

Bacon chuckled, rippling his lacy collar. “Your subconscious summoned me. It’s amusing how even the most steadfast nontheist will call on a greater force in time of distress.”

“Greater – greater force?” James stammered. “Listen, you foppish Elizabethan, I’ve invented more at the age of twenty-five than you had at sixty-five, when, I might add, you died from going out in the cold without a scarf! Some polymath you are!”

Bacon bristled. “You whelp! I perfected the process of inductive reasoning! I wrote three of Shakespeare’s plays!”

“Oh, Coriolanus, a triumph named in the same breath as Hamlet, Othello, Romeo and Juliet…”

“Fine! I won’t impart my dazzling insight from the afterlife! You’re on your own, you insouciant cur!” Bacon receded into the haze, and James snorted, glad to be rid of the intruder and able to devote his concentration to the difficulty at hand. He was dreaming – one needn’t be the Viscount of Saint Alban’s to know that – and his dreams were getting stranger by the second. Now, he dreamt that a muscular rhythm propelled him through a sticky passage toward a pool of light, almost as if he were being vomited forth; but his agile mind quickly rejected this possibility. He scraped across a row of teeth, which seemed surprisingly real and painful, and then he was floundering on a sandy floor. Strong hands lifted him.

“Avery!” James cried. “You just woke me from the most peculiar dream. If only I had my somnophone!”

Avery gave him a Dawesian grin. “No dream, mate. I’m dripping with croc spittle as well.” And it was so. James heard a terrific croaking belch, and a litany of fiery curses announced Bellows’s presence. Avery rushed to the old man, and James peered into the darkness beyond their ring of torchlight; that was definitely Eustace sliding into the water.

“By the flaming rings of Saturn!” James gasped. “Were we really transported via crocodile?” Avery shrugged. “And it’s still more comfortable than the Underground. Faster, too. There’s Larsen,” he said.

“Aye,” Larsen said, staggering to his feet and wiping mucus from his eyes.

“But where are we?” Avery said.

James cleaned his glasses, which had miraculously remained on his face through the ordeal. The torches illuminated a small chamber sealed at one end by a ponderous stone door, terminating at the other in the watery passage down which Eustace had vanished. Hieroglyphs covered the marble walls. “By the architecture – Crocodopolis.”

“Blimey!” Avery offered.

“I don’t care if we’re in bloody Shangri-la,” Bellows growled. “Nobody commandeers Archibald G. Bellows, F.G.S., Q.G.M., C.B.E., and gets away with it. You retain your firearm, lad?”

“No, sir,” Avery said. “I lost it somewhere between ingress and egress.”

They took stock. They had retained a penknife, James’s magnox, two cheroots, and Bellows’s flask. Larsen had a tin of pickled herring.

“I say we swim for it,” Avery said.

James checked him. “Not a chance. If we’re really in Crocodopolis, the water pressure must be tremendous. No doubt there’s a lock at the end of this passage to equalize the pressure, or else our skulls would be imploding at this very moment. If you could clear that lock – and I doubt the powers that opened it for Eustace would open it for you – then you would merely have the pleasure of instant death.”

“Then we go through that door.”

“How? It must weigh a ton.” James reviewed their supplies. “If I had a bit of manganese, I could fashion an ion cutter…”

“I’ll just put my shoulder to it,” Avery said, and did so. He strained until sweat beaded on his forehead, to no avail.

“Calm, Mr. Dawes,” James said. “Whoever brought us here will surely return soon enough – or else, between these torches and our own respiration, we’d exhaust the oxygen in this small room and suffocate within an hour!” He laughed. “That should comfort you.”

“You’re right, Jim. I feel better already!”

The door groaned and began to open; Avery tensed, and James recognized the tension. “Stand down, soldier,” he said. “We don’t stand a chance of overpowering them – let’s see what they want first, anyway.” James rubbed his hands. “I’m quite a bit excited to meet our ruthless captors. Imagine the secrets they might hold! Did my sketchbook survive the trip?” James began to pat his pockets, then froze in horror.

Their captors entered the room, nightmare shapes in the shadow of the doorway, and not much better in the torchlight. Avery remembered the impression that he had dismissed as fantasy or illusion – and here it was in the flesh. Bipedal in construction, with a large, saurian head, counterbalanced by a muscular, ridged tail – crocodiles with human ambitions, walking upright and speaking human speech!

“Where do they fit in your evolution theories, Jim?” Avery whispered.

“I sincerely doubt they are the product of natural design.” James was white-faced.

Only Bellows retained control of his nerve. “Ugly bastards, aren’t they?” he growled.

Four of the croc-men came in. They carried flint-headed spears. One of them, whom Avery assumed was a leader, had a red-tinted stripe on his back; he carried a rusty iron axe. He addressed the humans in a rolling, growly speech that, though distorted, sounded almost human.

“Jim?” Avery asked.

“It’s strange,” Jim said. “Similar to the proto-Greek of the hieroglyphs, but distorted with the passage of millennia and the inadequacy of their tongues and lips; a workable comparison is our English to Chaucer’s. But I think I can manage.” James replied, tentatively at first, then with growing confidence as his tongue and mind became accustomed to the strange language.

The leader registered surprise – the reptilian face was hardly expressive, but Avery read animals and people alike with ease – and grumbled a question to James. James laughed and replied.

“He wants to know how I can decipher their strange language. I told him I used to have a Cockney manservant, but I fear the reference is lost on him.” James doubled over as a croc-man drove the butt of his spear into James’s stomach. Avery tensed. The leader, whom Avery named Red Stripe, gurgled and growled into James’s ear.

“He reminds me that laughter is the privilege of the ruling class,” James gasped. “What an interesting taboo.”

The croc-men jabbed at the four humans with their crude weapons, prodding them through the door. Avery tolerated the jabs; now was not the moment. He was sure that he and Bellows could overpower at least one of the terrible beings, and Larsen looked like he could hold his own, but James might be killed before Avery could do anything. Best to bide his time.

James scanned the torchlit walls as they walked. “The architecture is the same as that above – marble construction in the Greek mode. Neither Corinthian, nor Athenian, yet a style that combines elements of both – and covered with these runes halfway between Sumerian cuneiform and Egyptian hieroglyphs, describing proto-Greek. It seems, Dawes, that this culture is a synthesis of all Mediterranean and Fertile Crescent cultures of the ancient world!” He mused for a moment. “Yet populated by monsters.”

“You’re saying that they collected bits and pieces from two thousand years of history and combined them in the heart of Africa,” Avery said. “That’s a bit far-fetched, don’t you think?”

“But that means…” James pounded his fist into his palm, startling the guards, who jabbed him accordingly. “I’ve fallen into my characteristic error, Dawes, and applied too much brainpower to the problem. The blunt instrument of your brain has smashed the barrier which the incisive scalpel of my own mind could only slice to entangling shreds. Kudos, my good man. What you have suggested is that this culture is the common origin of the ancient world! Africa is the cradle of mankind, after all!” He rubbed his chin. “Yet why the monsters?”

“Perhaps it’s like your Darwin fellow says,” Avery suggested. “Evolution.”

“And those with crocodile-like features have a greater chance to reproduce? No, Avery, natural selection could never bridge this gap.”

“Thank God. I’d hate to think these beasties might have come from men.” Avery shuddered. “Or vice-versa.”

The tunnel opened to a large chamber, lit by hundreds of torches, the light magnified by shining mirrors. Hundreds of croc-men moved in their daily business. Some pulled slaves on leashes. Avery peered at them and uttered a cry of surprise. “Their slaves are human!”

“Just the little lake-dwelling niggers,” Bellows said.

“I suppose if Eustace has lived for hundreds of years, and has the training or intelligence to capture people as he captured us, then the many reported devourments were actually abductions!”

A few large buildings dominated the chamber. Avery had visited enough lost civilizations to recognize them as temples and palaces. Some of the croc-men lived in brick or mud houses around the foot of these buildings, but many simply slept in the mud. Their captors directed them to the grandest of the temples. They passed before a very worn statue of colossal proportions. It depicted a human form, and Avery, who had scrabbled around many ruins, put its age at – very, very old indeed. It stretched almost to the ceiling of the chamber forty feet above.

They entered the temple. Inside were a large, flat altar, the ubiquitous hieroglyphs, and two stone tablets on the far wall. Something about the altar warranted a second glance; Avery noted with disgust that dark dried blood caked its surface.

The croc-men herded them into a wooden pen at the rear of the temple, near the tablets. Red Stripe growled something. James’s face lit up and he bowed as the croc-men retreated.

“He says we’re to meet the king,” James said. “And receive, additionally, a very great honor, an honor beyond our comprehension.”

“Meaning, no doubt, that they’re going to sacrifice us to their heathen gods,” Bellows said.

James’s face fell. “Very interesting from an anthropological viewpoint,” he said. “Human sacrifice is astoundingly widespread in antiquity – the Aztec and Maya of the New World, of course, and, occasionally, in the classical world, though in extreme circumstances. Iphigenia, for example, perished at the mandate of the gods; however, in the Egyptian Old Kingdom, and even in the Hebrew culture…”

Avery tested the bars of the cage. They were lashed together with time-hardened leather thongs; they might as well have been iron.

“One thing I notice,” Avery said, “is these gents didn’t build Crocodopolis.”

“Of course not,” James said. “They are necessarily the descendants.”

“And however Crocodopolis was built, they lost the means. Did you notice? Most of them don’t even live in houses. They just wallow in the mud. They’ve lost civilization.”

“Well, if one equates standards of physical shelter with civilization, yes. I follow your point.”

“And Red Stripe has an iron weapon, but it’s older than he is by far. I’m thinking, if these chaps are a branch of the Atlantis family tree, it fell off and withered up.”

James frowned. “I hate to pass a qualitative sentence on an entire people like that, especially on so brief an acquaintance.”

“I agree with the lad,” Bellows said. “They’re a bunch of degenerate bastards.”

“That isn’t quite what I meant…” Avery said.

“They should never have crawled from their pit!” Bellows said. “These parodies of man – these grotesqueries! Walking on two legs, like humans!”

James studied the tablets. “I believe they may still have a claim to the species,” James said. “These tablets appear to be a creation story of some sort. See, the hieroglyphs have greater refinement than those of the temple; if I am correct (and I always am), they’re much older than the temple. Here is the word I translate as ‘Ensi-ka,’ and you want to call ‘Atlantis’. Here is the name for their people – again, the link to ‘Ensi-ka.’ It translates as those sent forth, to colonize and – hmm – uplift the savages of these lands. Yet distant ‘Ensi-ka’ was lost, and in the same cataclysm, this city, Erdu-kan, was submerged. Rather than abandon the uninhabitable city, they used – this translates as ‘magic,’ but undoubtedly they refer to some lost technology – to breed with the crocodiles.” James blinked. “I must have read that wrong.”

“Makes sense to me,” Bellows said. “A degenerate race born of bestiality and black magic. They’re as bad as the bloody French!”

Ha! Those French are the worst!
(Fun PowerReader™ fact: Eustace is based on a real-life killer crocodile named Gustave.)
Next, prepare for the thrilling conclusion of “Crocodopolis!”

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I Hurt My Hand Pretty Badly Last Night

January 31st, 2010

It was a beautiful sunset, and Randi had left me to my own devices, and our bungalow has a little refrigerator filled with beer, and pistachios make one thirsty, so I consumed bottles equaling 1.4 liters. Our porch faces the Gulf of Thailand, and the sun was melting into its golden and purple constituents over the horizon, one of those moments of breathtaking heartbreaking beauty that make you realize how insignificant you really are. I knew Randi would want to share that feeling, so I got the camera and captured it digitally. Then, because I left the camera on the exposed porch, it began to rain torrentially.

The power went out and we waited in the dark for the taxi that would take us across the island to the famous Full Moon Party. When it arrived, I ran skidding and slipping through the darkness, and on the porch of our resort’s little eatery, I slid and lashed out to save myself, punching a statue squarely in the jaw. I yowled in pain, to the indescribable delight of the diners, and we loaded into the taxi. Taxis in Thailand are covered pickup trucks. You ride in the back with as many fellow passengers as the driver can find. They like to maximize their profits here. (Who doesn’t?) The necessarily harrowing passages do much to create a sense of camaraderie among the passengers. When we disembarked from our last drive (again, through torrential rain, up and down mountainous jungle roads), I gave my co-daredevils a bow and a grand wave: “Goodbye, everyone! Enjoy your journey, and good luck!” The response was enthusiastic and heart-warming.

On this jaunt, we journeyed with two Australasian girls, who were quite pleasant. Then we rolled our eyes as Mr. Fucking Females and his friends climbed in.

Let me tell you about this gentleman. On our first day on Koh Phangan, we were enjoying the blissful view from our porch hammocks, unwinding from the hectic pace of Koh Tao, letting our spirits dissolve as spirits dissolved us. It was another moment of stillness and utter beauty and quietude, one of those moments when you forget that our oceans are turning to acid, the economy is turning to shit, democracy is turning to fascism. The sea was perfectly flat and perfectly blue, and palm fronds moved gently in the wind.

Into this idyllic scene comes two young Norwegian fellows (I’ll go ahead and tell you they were Norwegian, though we didn’t learn this until later). They grasp Chang beers, they walk onto the beach, and one of them says loudly, in accented English, “Where’s the fuckin’ females?” Randi and I rolled our eyes at this crassness, which became inexplicable as they then conversed amongst themselves in Norwegian. Why would he say that one phrase in English? Then an older woman, presumably their mother, came up and spoke to them, and they spoke harshly to her, argued a bit, and she huffed away. My opinion sank lower. I can abide the Supreme Court selling our democracy, I can abide Turkey disavowing the Armenian genocide, but I cannot abide young men who disrespect their mother. The eccentricity of this character’s jackassery was only accentuated when he repeated the phrase at least twice more within my hearing. He was not even looking around for females when he said it. He said it once while walking down the beach, looking at the sand, and once while splashing in the water. I concluded that he had heard the line in a movie or TV show, loved it, and committed it to memory.

So. We rode with him and his two friends. They were actually quite pleasant, if enthusiastically vulgar. The subject turned to Bangkok, and, inevitably, live sex shows, on which subject their enthusiasm was only matched by their explicitness. At first I was determined to adopt Social Stance B, which is noncommittal affability masking subtle mockery and brutal judgement. But the beer had left my mind a-glow, and we had the bond engendered by facing death in a Thailand taxi, so after good-naturedly encouraging them to throw their empty bottles at passing cars for a while, I tapped Mr. Fucking Females on the knee and said, “You’re Mister - ” I was about to say “Fucking Females”, but he grabbed my hand, pumped it and said, “Paul. Pleasure!” with such open friendliness that I forgave him his faults. As, indeed, I would hope others would forgive me mine. Then we had several rounds of shouting, “Party party party!”, an old Norwegian custom.

Then with a festive sliding of tires in mud at high speed, we were there, at the biggest party in the world.

Today the wound is quite nasty. It is a trio of deep gouges backed by a purple-black bruise. Randi, in a mood of playful, experimental sadism, put tiger balm on it, causing miniature volcanoes of pain to fire ash-clouds of agony into my brain. But I have suffered worse than this, and I will suffer worse yet ere I die.

We were surprised to see the Norwegians in the cafe at an early hour, as we had assumed they would stay at the party much later than us, and rise consequently later. They had; Mr. FF came to our table and asked if we had enjoyed ourselves, and we responded noncommittally, having reverted to SS-B, but his inquiry was really an excuse to blurt his tragic story:

“Yeah, I was fine until some guy beat me down and took everything I had just walk up to me and BAM took my wallet took my smoke!”

We expressed our sympathies, and he made a gesture indicative of the lot of man: to suffer without knowing why; to be cursed with reason yet not with wisdom; to struggle to assert one’s identity and dignity in an unfeeling and merciless world; to be crushed in the winepress of society; to live, to live and then to die!

I was so despondent that I had another cup of tea.

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Blankenship & Dawes in: Crocopolis! Part Two.

January 28th, 2010

I think you’ll find today’s installment thrilling. Polish your monocles, swirl your brandy skeptically, prepare for intrigue.

James busied himself with directing the offloading of the fragile and complex equipment: a pair of diving suits of his own invention, capable of withstanding the great pressures of the lake’s fantastic depth; a pneumatic harpoon; instruments that could analyze the level of sediment accretion on an artifact or fossil and name its date of origin within two months; even a small camera, also of Blankenship’s invention, that captured images on a rubber-celluloid compound rather than on gelatine plates, and so could operate underwater. By concentrating on the proper care of these marvelous machines, James was able to ignore that the Bellerophon, his pride and joy, was now a very expensive part of the tropical scenery.

By morning their small crew had unloaded the ship and set up camp on a patch of level ground not far from the rocky beach. Avery shot a wild pig and they had a good breakfast. Thereafter, Bellows picked up his rifle and vanished into the brush without a word to anyone. Avery watched him.

“Let him make the acquaintance of the natives or whatever he intends,” James said. “We have work to do. Fortunately the steam launch was undamaged in the attack.”

“How will we ever find this sunken city of yours, Jim?” Avery wondered. “This lake must be a hundred miles long.”

“Closer to five hundred, actually, and forty miles across at its widest point. The second largest lake in the world, after Baikal in Russia. Though the climate here is far more agreeable, I’m sure. A thorough survey has yet to be conducted. Though Sir Burton estimated its depth at a third of a mile, his techniques were rather rudimentary. Ergo, our secondary objective will be to construct a rough map of the bottom of this great lake.”

“And to bag Eustace.”

“Of course. But to our greater purpose, I have constructed – this.” James opened a crate and brushed aside the straw packing, revealing a shiny metal sphere.

“It’s brilliant, Jim. What does it do?”

“When submerged in water, it emits a tone on the frequency of six to seven hundred Hertz, and detects echoes of the same. The frequency and trajectory of these echoes, when processed through a calculating machine of astounding power and alacrity, will tell us the shape of the lake floor, and – one hopes – enable us to find the lost city.”

“And where is this calculating machine?”

James smiled and tapped his temple.

Avery laughed. “You really have no need of praise, do you?”

“I enjoy it nonetheless.”

Avery, James, and Larsen set out in the launch. The lake stretched out of sight in all directions, blue as a lapis lazuli, bright as a bowl of sunlight. Fishing craft moved sedately on the water. “Criminy, it feels like we’re back on the Med,” Avery said.

“Forgive me saying so, sir, but only a non-sailor could say such a thing,” Larsen said.

“What do you mean by that?”

“After crossing the Atlantic, to a true sailor, the Mediterranean becomes a lake; after crossing the Pacific, the Atlantic becomes a lake and the Mediterranean a placid pond. This…” He gestured at the vast water. “While grand, it’s nothing. It’s calm and still as a parkland puddle. We might as well be in a paddle boat shaped like a swan.”

Avery grinned. “You mistake me for a landlubber, Larsen. I’ve sailed around the Cape – both of them – to India and back.”

Sailed,” Larsen said, “or merely traveled by ship?”

“Ah, you’ve got me there,” Avery said. “Still, there’s no denying that Tanganyika is quite the puddle!”

Larsen shrugged.

James lowered his sonic emitter on a boom. From the globe snaked two wires that terminated in rubber cups. He placed these over his ears, and readied a pencil and a pad of paper. He nodded to Avery, who picked up a small wooden box connected to the globe by a thick bundle of wires. From the box protruded a crank, which Avery spun furiously. James listened for a moment, then scribbled madly on his paper, producing a lengthy list of numbers. After a few minutes, he nodded, and Avery stopped cranking.

“Did it work?” he asked.

“I may have Verdi’s Anvil Chorus ringing in my ears for the next few weeks,” Jame said, “but I think I have a set of data from which to work. Let’s try again. My good Larsen, take us a quarter-mile upstream, or uplake, or whatever it is. That direction.” Larsen complied, and they took another reading. By lunchtime James’s pad was full, and they had traveled perhaps fifty miles south. They waited for an hour while James tabulated his results and sketched a rough map. Avery fished, and brought up a half-dozen brown and white cichlids. “There it is,” James said. “It’s hardly beautiful, but I’ve had to adjust my expectations. It seems that this lake has a high degree of stratification, and the bottom layers are almost entirely anoxic, which interferes somewhat with the operation of the sonic emitter. However, I’ve found that while Burton’s guess as to the mean depth of this lake are correct, he could not have imagined the distribution; I have found at least one point where the depth exceeds a mile!”

Avery whistled. Larsen grunted.

“And what of our sunken city?”

“Nothing – yet. It’s a big lake. We have time for a few more readings, though. Let’s put a good distance behind us before we take another.” They steamed for the better part of an hour before James called a halt. “We’ll try it here.” They deployed the emitter, and James listened, his pencil poised over the pad. “There’s something different in the echoes here,” he said. “The water is less stratified, though the depth is consistent. Perhaps an underground stream or spring feeds into the lake here. And the echoes are slightly broken and baffled. The surface is less regular. Which may mean – Larsen, take us a hundred yards east.” They took another reading. Delight spread on James’s face. “Heureka! I am in a state of having found it!”

“Shall we don our suits?” Avery asked.

“Don away, my good chap, don away!”

Larsen helped them into the bulky suits, which were tethered by stout cables to the launch. Larsen would have to haul them up; it would be quite impossible to swim two thousand feet upwards in the heavy suits. James thrice-checked the seals and toggled his wireless voice-telegraph. “Avery?” His own voice was fuzzy and harsh in his helmet. “Can you hear me?”

Avery’s baritone came booming back at him: “The moon on the ocean was dimmed by a ripple…”

“Yes, we all adore that song. I think the voice-telegraph operates satisfactorily. Prepare for the plunge.”

Avery picked up the pneumatic harpoon.

“Oh,” said James, “I assure you we will be quite unmolested by aquafauna at our intended depth.”

“Never into the breach unarmed,” Avery said.

James shrugged. His comrade had some eccentricities. “Into the breach, then!” he said, and, holding his breath despite the suit’s oxygenerators, he closed his eyes and stepped into the water.

#

Avery sank like a stone, the suit’s weight pulling him quickly into the darkening depths, from the bright aquamarine near the surface to the lightless void below. He fell for minutes that seemed like hours, the waterproof torch of James’s suit the only visible thing in the blackness of the lake. It came as a shock when his feet finally touched solid earth; he had forgotten their destination in the sightless, soundless freefall. James landed nearby.

He ignited his chemical torch, and light blazed from the top of his helmet, showing mounds of stones. “Not much stirring,” he said.

“No.” James’s voice crackled in his ears. “Precious little can survive at this depth, and without much oxygen, there is little incentive to venture here.”

“Not even weeds,” Avery said. “Bloody difficult to move, too.”

“That’s the weight of a half-mile of water on you. Let the suit’s motors do the work; you have merely to suggest movements. Now, the ruins!”

They lumbered toward the toppled heaps of stone. Certainly a city had stood there long ago; the stones were large, some almost colossal in scale, and even centuries or millennia of immersion had not erased the work of human hands. “This was definitely a support column of some larger structure,” James said, shining his light the length of a fallen pillar that Avery had mistaken for a bump in the lake bed. James blasted grime from the surface with his wrist-mounted waterjets. “Marble!” he said, astonished. “It’s utterly impossible, but I recognize the fine grain and near-translucence of Parian marble, from the Island of Paros – in Greece. Avery, how did the most prized stone of the classical world come to Lake Tanganyika?”

“Not by the night train, that’s for sure.”

“I agree with the gist of your remark, if not the wording. Most curious. But you see here, we have definite spiral fluting. It looks almost Athenian – but not quite. This was carved by no instrument as crude as a chisel.” James photographed the pillar and they moved on.

Their lights revealed only discrete segments of the city, but Avery was able to outline a composite in his head. No structure remained standing; whatever time-swallowed cataclysm had formed the lake had also shattered the city, and so they had the difficulty of mentally recombining the tremendous slabs of stone and the shattered columns into an image of what might have been. Avery imagined a city perhaps a mile across, very grand in its day, with broad streets radiating like spokes from a central temple or government building. There probably had been hundreds or thousands of wood or mud or brick houses outside of the city proper, but they had not stood the test of time.

James gasped over every new discovery. “I really don’t know what to think of this, Avery. The materials are from the northern Mediterranean, and some of the architecture reflects the classical, as well – namely the columns, where we see a corkscrew fluting that might be the ancestor of the Solomonic design.” His camera flashed. “But there are constant arguments to the contrary, such as these inscriptions, which appear to be, insanely, cuneiform, and the bas-reliefs resemble hieroglyphs more than… Are you listening?”

Avery was paying heed not to any physical signal, but to that instinct that had saved him from a tiger’s lunge in the jungles of India, or from a pit viper’s strike in the Australian outback – the prickling of hair at the back of his neck that told him that here was danger.

He flashed his light in all directions, but saw only the silent stones. As James had said, nothing could possibly survive at that depth. Yet for a moment he glimpsed the figure of a man, silhouetted against a white stone, and then it was gone. His eyes were playing tricks on him, no doubt, distorting the form he had expected into a bent and misshapen creature, but the vision was chilling nonetheless: a man’s limbs and torso, but a saurian snout, a thrashing tail…

“Avery! Pay attention, man! We stand in the greatest archaeological find of the century! Karnak is a paltry pile of bricks beside this! Troy is an uninteresting jumble of shacks!” Avery noted a familiar manic excitement in James’s voice. “Let’s investigate the central temple.”

It was disappointing, at least in Avery’s opinion. The nexus of the great city ought to be more than a broad dais and a few broken pillars, he felt, but they found little more. James, however, evinced no disappointment. He bent over the dais and photographed busily.

“That strange cuneiform spirals from the center. I can read most languages written in the Sumerian system – Hittite, Hurrian, Akkadian, and, of course, Elamite – but this appears to depict no language even remotely related.” Avery detected wonder and consternation mixed in his voice. “In fact, it’s not even pictographic – it seems phonetic, an innovation that came rather late to the Sumerian languages. But the verb structure appears almost Hellenic. Neptune’s beard, Avery, it’s Greek!”

Avery tried to whistle, but it came out as a burst of static in the voice-telegraph. “And what does that mean?”

“It means my Fellowship is secured, for one thing. The Greek alphabet surfaced in the ninth century before Christ. This is a version of proto-Greek rendered phonetically in cuneiform, which first appeared four millennia back and two thousand miles away. This suggests a common origin of the two languages!”

“But can you read it?”

“Maybe. Wait a moment.” He cleared grime with the waterjets. “A recurring ‘word’ - I use ‘word’ loosely. It’s more of a concept that only gains definition when paired with other ‘words’. The language allows for a good degree of ambiguity, as you see here.” He tapped the dais.

“Right-o.”

“I think, in this usage, the ‘word’ may be pronounced ‘Ensi-ka.’ It seems like a place name, perhaps a city or kingship.”

“The name of this city?”

“Doubtful. It distinctly uses an honorific case, implying something greater than this city. Perhaps this is a settlement or colony of Ensi-ka. Strange.” James inspected the rim of the dais. “The rest of these ruins are encrusted in centuries of grime, but it’s been disturbed here.”

“Jim, old boy, I am thinking of the better part of valor right now.”

“I assure you that we are perfectly safe at this depth. But I’ve learned to trust your primordial cunning, and I have more data than I can process right now. So long as these ancient stones promise to remain where they are, I can force myself to adjourn for the night.” He signaled Larsen through the voice-telegraph, and a moment later the clinking chains pulled them the fathoms to the surface.

#

James chatted excitedly to Larsen about their discovery the length of the ride back to camp, and Larsen responded with characteristic grunts, finally saying, “Pardon, Mr. Blankenship, sir, I just pilot the boat. This archaeo-business doesn’t interest me much.” James blinked, mouth open, having totally forgotten that he was talking to an individual rather than his own imagination.

They beached the launch alongside the wreckage of the Bellerophon. “Let’s look up Bellows,” Avery suggested, “and have a drop of summat hot.”

James shuddered. “You mean ‘partake of an aperitif.’”

“Right.”

“He ought to know of our progress and discoveries, anyway, so he can begin preparing my Fellowship recommendation to the Society.”

“My thoughts exactly!” Avery scampered up the beach to Bellows’s tent, then stopped suddenly as someone slipped out at the sound of his approach. In the twilight he recognized the Sudanese maid, in a fluttered state of half-dress. She disappeared into the brush. Well, he thought, evidently Bellows wouldn’t share a cradle with these black bastards, as he called them, but other sorts of horizontal furniture proved suitable. Fine for him, but it might look queer if word got out. Avery willfully forgot what he had seen, waited forty seconds, and called, “Bellows! Bellows, rendezvous in the mess for a toast to accomplishment and the broadening of archaeological and anthropological knowledge!” At Bellows’s muffled assent, he retired to the mess tent, where James had already cracked open a case of Armagnac brandy and was sipping delicately.

“Thank indifferent Providence our snifters survived the crash! Take yon glassware, Avery, and I’ll pour you a – tipple?”

“Careful, Jim. You’re approaching conviviality.”

“I may even collapse into flagrant amity,” James said, sharing one of his rare smiles.

The smile vanished at the interruption of Bellows’s whiskey-voice: “Then pony up a glass for me, lad, and I’ll show you how tippling’s done.”

James filled his snifter, and Bellows warmed the glass in his palms, then raised it: “To the broadening of all human knowledge, and to the two gents before me who have done so much in its service!”

“Thank you,” James said, touched despite himself, and Avery reflected that the stomach was a dead end; vanity was the way to James’s heart. They clinked glasses. Avery drank; James tasted; Bellows guzzled and refilled the glasses.

“Now, tell me what I should put in my letter to the RGS.” Bellows seemed overly cheerful to Avery; was it to cover his embarrassment at being caught with a mistress? No, Avery thought, that suspicion doesn’t do justice to such a fine fellow. He just likes to drink, that’s all.

“I wish I could tell you more,” James said. “But I must spend some time with my photographs and my books. I discovered traces of a dozen languages down there – rather, an omni-tongue, a synthesis of all languages, and I must refresh myself on my Sumerian declensions before I can begin to decipher it.”

“So you can read it?” Bellows asked over his glass.

James sniffed. “Please. Merely understanding a language is the most elementary step. I seek rather to understand the culture that the language represents, and place it in the broader context of the Western world; videlicet, to know the parents through familiarity with the child. Language can tell us much more than mere words.”

“Well, kudos, no doubt. But what culture, exactly? If it has links to Sumerian, I assume we’re dealing with an early Moslem tribe. Perhaps a settlement from Abyssinia? Mohammedans came south from Persia as early as the ninth century and established colonies in Zanzibar and on the Tanzanian coast, one of which became Dar es Salaam.”

James shook his head. “Moslem architecture in east Africa favors local materials, especially mud bricks, which would not last under this lake. No. This may astound you, Mr. Bellows…”

Bellows theatrically gripped his seat.

“But I found and have photographic proof of traces of Greek architecture!”

Bellows looked from James to Avery, his eyes twinkling. “You’re putting me on.”

“No, sir,” James said gravely. “Avery can verify it.”

“I suppose,” Avery said. “I’m not up on my columns, but they were definitely twirly, and made of marble.”

“Blimey,” Bellows said quietly. “That toast was well-deserved! Let’s have another!”

They did. James told Bellows all about their discovery. The word “Ensi-ka” gave Bellows pause. “Scrawl out those symbols for me, boyo, if you remember them clearly.”

James obliged, a little sullen over the jibe at his memory. Bellows paid him no heed, and studied the cuneiform intently. “And you say it reads like Greek?”

“Yes.”

“Why not write it like Greek, then?”

“I can’t. There’s no exact analogue. You can’t just change from one alphabet to the other, this hardly being an alphabet in the first place… Results would not be verifiable.”

“Just give it a shot for old Bellows, eh?”

James rewrote the symbol in Greek. Bellows took the pencil and made a few adjustments where the vagaries of phonetic transcription allowed it. He tapped the new word. “I’m not up on my Sumerian, but I learned my Greek at Eton, and it’s still with me. What’s that word, my son?”

James reddened. “You must be joking. I present to you science, and you twist it into fairy-tale.”

“Just read the word, out loud, for the benefit of Avery here.”

“I will not. It is worse than a myth. It is a parable that teaches men to laugh in the face of ambition. A superstition that clouds the minds of men, the like against which I have sworn to fight.”

“I’ll say it, then,” Bellows said cheerfully.

His dislike for the man prompted James. “Hold your tongue, Bellows! Very well.” He pursed his lips and spat the word out: “Atlantis.”

“Described by Plato and Francis Bacon.” Bellows’s grin massed wrinkles on the sides of his face.

“And Mr. Jules Verne,” Avery interjected.

James shot him a scornful look. “Myth. What we have discovered today is fact.”

“And this word?” Bellows asked.

“An intentional mistranslation. Besides, the word doesn’t refer to our city as Atlantis; ‘Ensi-ka’ distinctly refers to another location. What we have here is a mere colony of a greater polis, which we can, for the sake of childish amusement, refer to as ‘Atlantis’ for the nonce. But our city is a stunning find in its own right.” James mused. “Which reminds me, it lacks a name.”

“Crocodopolis!” Avery shouted.

James and Bellows looked at him in surprise. “What?” Avery said. “I went to Eton, too.”

They drank to the new name, finished the bottle, and opened another one. “Of course,” Bellows said, his nose rosy, “the RGS will want physical artefacts in addition to your photographs and notes. But you look well on your way to a Fellowship, lad. Maybe one day you’ll even make Chartered Geographer, like myself.”

“Your explorations of Abyssinia are noteworthy,” James said. “What a country, back in the earlies!”

“Aye. Took a spear through the jaw and two arrows through the arm,” Bellows said. “I earned my Chartership. But it’s much harder for you boys. There are precious few dark corners left on this Earth. With your inventions, Mr. Blankenship, we’ll plumb the oceans, and then what will there be to discover?”

“I believe man will turn outward someday,” James said. “We will walk the surface of the moon and cold places beyond even that.”

“Nothing is safe,” Bellows said with a half-smile.

“What do you mean by that?” Avery asked.

Bellows turned a red-rimmed eye on him. “Nothing, boyo,” he said after a moment.

Screams interrupted their conversation. Avery was on his feet before the first cry faded, his Sharps in hand. “From the beach!”

He threw back the tent flap. Before him was a charnel scene. Crewmen, their own sailors and the hired Sudanese and Ethiopians alike, struggled with a huge reptile on the beach – Eustace. The croc had crawled from the water, and Avery could see how mammoth he really was. Avery had seen gunships smaller than Eustace. The crocodile shattered three tents with a sweep of his tail and knocked the gun-wielding men down like tenpins. Their rifles popped, flaring in the night, and sparks struck from his scales. Eustace croaked and lunged on a crewman; Avery recognized Larsen, leveling his rifle steadfastly even as the huge jaws came at him. He never fired the shot. Eustace’s jaws closed over him, clicked shut, and Larsen was gone.

“By Gad! He swallowed Larsen entire! Jim, have you any magic tricks up your sleeve? This beasty’s intent on gobbling us all!”

“I detest the word ‘magical’; it is anti-scientific and therefore anti-truth,” James grumbled. “Were we not just discussing the deleterious effects of superstition on the reasoning – ” He saw Eustace, and his eyes widened in fear. “By Herme’s perspiring buttocks! Run, Avery, that monster will devour us all!” James produced a gadget from his pocket, what looked like a fat pistol with copper wire coiled around the barrel. “Unless my magnox can check him. Prepare for positron perdition, Crocodylus niloticus ex!”

A blue bolt of electricity crawled along the coiling and sputtered out. James scowled at the useless weapon. “I am devising a theory concerning the operation of electrical equipment after prolonged submersion,” he said, quite calmly, and then Eustace was upon him.

“No!” Avery shouted, but the monstrous maw clacked shut. James was gone. “Now you’ve got a fight on your hands,” Avery growled, rolling up his sleeves. Eustace rushed at him; Avery saw a great black hole lined with white teeth, and he was in the cavernous mouth, then down the gullet, and he felt no more.

Great Jumping Jesus! Is he dead? What the hell’s going on? Come back next time to see!

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Blankenship & Dawes in: Crocopolis! Part One.

January 25th, 2010

The follow-up to “Isle of Ignominy!” I love these characters. They are two things: an opportunity for me to pay homage to the great canon of 19th century adventure literature - Wells, Verne, Doyle, and, particularly in this story, H. Rider Haggard (and a bit of Kipling) - as well as a handy lens with which to deconstruct Victorian culture. For example, King Solomon’s Mines - helluva book, a great thrilling adventure, but, by our modern standards, fairly racist (and Haggard was one of the more enlightened writers of his time). We can try to reconcile or excuse these things, but wouldn’t it be more fun if the author himself had done that in the book itself? By means of inexplicable and shocking violence? I give you that and more, and ask you to let yourself enjoy it. Because reading is meant to be challenging, dammit.

I’ll publish this in four parts.

Blankenship & Dawes
in
Crocodopolis!
By Jens Rushing

“Sir Richard Burton asserts it as verifiable fact,” Bellows said, ashing his cigar in the cut-glass tray, adjusting his aim carefully to account for the slight pitch of the Bellerophon. “I don’t know how many papist missionaries have said the same over the past two-three hundred years, but my twenty years in old Afrique have led me to agree with them: it is simply impossible to navigate the Red Nile all the way to its source.”

“It’s amazing what you can do with money,” Avery Dawes replied.

Bellows grunted his assent. “And the Royal Geographic Society is honored to aid you, gentlemen. Pending your success, of course.”

“We’re most beholden,” James Blankenship said acidly. “This is how the hare must feel when the hawk deigns to notice him.”

Bellows laughed at length and sucked his cigar until the tip glowed in the half-light of the Bellerophon’s cabin. He puckered his thick, wrinkled lips and blew a perfect smoke ring. Avery whistled his admiration. Avery admired a good deal too much about the old bastard, James thought with a bit of irritation.

After boarding the amphibious ship at Khartoum, Archibald Bellows had thoroughly charmed the young Avery with his easy mastery of African customs and languages, his experience, his skill at firearms. A friendly shooting match from the boiler deck had established the old man as Avery’s superior – and Avery was no slouch. He came to respect, then revere the old man, annoying James with his prattle. Bellows spoke Arabic and a dozen other African tongues as naturally as if they were English. Bellows could split a toothpick with a thrown knife at twenty paces. Bellows could overpower an enraged alligator. Bellows – Bellows – Bellows.

James compared the two men. Bellows was weathered and tanned as a piece of bootstrap leather, and just about as savoury, with muscles like cables beneath his dark skin. Broken blood vessels stitched his hawk-nose, and James noticed that his hands shook if he went a day without a bit of “summat hot,” but there was still enough strength in those arms to break a man in half. He caught James studying him and croaked in his gin-thickened voice, “Care for a tipple, lad?” James declined.

Hard, dangerous living had corroded the old man; rather, the habits one forms as a result of hard, dangerous living had corroded him. Avery, on the other hand, was in the very blush of youth, the paragon of British manhood. Tall, broad-shouldered, strong-chinned, well-limbed, handsome enough in his way, James conceded, if you cared for that “Greek god” look. Avery could run a mile in four and a half minutes and hold his breath for three. He had demonstrated this, on several occasions, but not for vainglory; in addition to his other virtues, he was aggravatingly humble.

But beneath that craggy forehead slumbered an uncultivated mind, James reflected sadly. His friend sometimes exhibited a sort of animal cunning, but he had little predilection for the sciences, for the search for hard truths behind the gauzy enigmas of the banal. Not James. A restless drive possessed him to pierce that shroud and glimpse the naked profundity of the natural world. So, aside from Avery, his friends were Erlenmeyer flasks, test tubes, Bunsen burners, and the writings of Darwin, Newton, Pasteur, and Copernicus – though Copernicus was on thin ice.

“The Society expects a full return on their investment in this expedition,” Bellows said. “Otherwise they wouldn’t have funded the construction of this – tell me, Blankenship, why’d you give it such a mouthful of a name?”

“Bellerophon, the slayer of the Chimera, flew to Olympus and was struck down for his arrogance.”

“Is that your opinion of this little expedition?” Bellows said with a slanted smile. James reminded himself to be pleasant; Bellows was a Chartered Geographer in the RGS, and if James wanted to get his fellowship, and the attendant access to the coveted Foyle Reading Room, he needed to humor the man.

“No man of any color has sailed the Nile,” James said. “We’re attempting an upstream navigation along a fork only recently discovered – by myself – with no clear map of our path to Lake Tanganyika. We have braved crocodiles, bandits, mad monks and holy warriors of the Sudan, hippopotamuses…”

“And we’re almost there,” Avery interjected. “We should arrive tonight, in fact.”

“My point remaining,” James continued, “that our success aside, this is an extremely audacious undertaking. And we’re not half finished. Navigating the White Nile to its source is quite an accomplishment, but it is only a means to an end, the end being, of course, the search for Burton’s lost city.”

“And what do you think of that?” Bellows gestured with his cigar, now a stub.

“The source – ” James began. Bellows guffawed.

“The source,” he said, “is the most egregious liar, rake, muckrake, scoundrel, and fornicator in the Empire!”

James was perturbed. “If he were here, I’m sure Sir Burton would demand satisfaction for your words against him.”

“If he were here, I believe he’d take it as a compliment.”

“Regardless,” James said, “he claims to have learned of a pre-Moslem city beneath the waves. It could be true. Research leaves room for such a civilization, perhaps a fiefdom of the old Egyptian pharaohs, a vestigial appendage of their empire that outlived them and was deluged when the lake was created…” A grinding sound from below told him that the Bellerophon had left the river and was crawling uphill on its great treaded wheels. The smooth operation of the amphibious vessel satisfied him. It ought to; it was his own design.

“The lake appears in Ptolemy. Ptolemy was referencing Il Kha-Hati.” Bellows was smug. “I sincerely doubt the city predates Kha-Hati, who died in the sixth century before Christ. If it exists.”

James shrugged. “Maybe a Sumerian colony, traders from the Fertile Crescent. Or from the Indus valley. Pre-Ptolemaic ships could certainly cross from Baluchistan to Tanzania. Or a native civilization. Who knows? The possibilities are numerous. Africa is the cradle of mankind, after all.”

“Not any cradle of mine,” Bellows snorted, tilting his head at the Sudanese woman who was serving tea. “I wouldn’t share a cradle with these black bastards, eh?” He roared with laughter.

“Yes, well…” James said.

“How about you, Sonny Jim?” Bellows said to Avery. “Why’re you on this errand?”

“I just want a crack at Eustace, sir,” Avery enthused.

Eustace was a man-eating crocodile. Burton had named him, too, in his book on the Tanganyika expedition. The natives claimed that the giant reptile had devoured more than three hundred victims over the past four centuries. Avery was skeptical – if the victims were devoured, how could you tell how many there had been? – but if there was world-class game to be had, Avery and his Sharps buffalo rifle would be there.

“Aye, that’d be a prize, all right,” Bellows allowed. “Almost worth leaving what passes for civilization on this benighted continent and going back into the bush, among the dullest of the darkies. Now, you may think your average colored servant back in old England is stupid and lazy – God’s wounds! A backwoods Mulwesi could give him lessons on stupid and lazy! Thank God we’re here to lift them up with the hand of civilization.”

James bristled, and Bellows saw it. “I hope I haven’t offended you,” Bellows said.

“I subscribe to the emerging field of ethnology, sir, and the idea that one cannot judge another culture qualitatively; indeed, such would be a futile effort. Circumstance has rendered the European knowledgeable and ‘civilized,’ and circumstance has left these poor peoples subsistence-level farmers. It might have been otherwise – and was, fifteen hundred years ago, when the Italians ruled the degenerate rabble of Europe. No inherent virtue makes us superior.”

“Precisely,” Bellows said. “We are superior by Providence, and the virtue has followed as a result.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant,” James said.

“I know a little of that discipline of ethnology,” Bellows said. “It outlines five stages of the path to civilization: hunter-gatherer, agriculture, early civilization, feudalism, and, the apex of human achievement, modern liberal-capitalism. Only Europe has reached the last stage.”

The ride became smooth again. They were back on the river, the wheels retracting to allow the props to come out.

“What of cultures like China and Japan, which have great cities, huge noble classes, complex laws, and millennia of painting, sculpture, and poetry?”

Bellows dismissed them with a wave. “Static and corrupt. Well-painted corpses, but eaten up with worms on the inside. But, my son, you miss the benevolence of European superiority. We don’t hoard our wealth and knowledge, like the Manchoos of China or the brahmins of India. We build schools and make pygmy headhunters into little black Christians. We educate. We enlighten. We work great good on this Earth. Read your Kipling, my son.” Bellows’s tone was very gentle.

Before James could reply, a great crash echoed through the boat and they were thrown to the deck. Avery recovered with his customary alacrity and helped Bellows up, though the old man hardly needed help. He stomped out a fledgling fire where an oil lamp had fallen.

“A boulder – ” James gasped.

“A boulder!” Avery said. “Maybe you’ve never been whaling, old boy, but I’ve done a tour, just for fun, around the Horn – ”

“I sincerely doubt a whale has attacked us.”

“Not a whale, but some kind of beastie.” Avery snatched up his Sharps. “With me, sir?” he cried, and Avery and Bellows dashed from the cabin.

James staggered to his feet and followed them. They stood at the railing of the boiler deck, scanning the water over their rifle barrels. The river was a black swath with a lace of silver moonlight. “If it’s Eustace, may I have the first crack?” Avery asked.

“Take it if you can,” Bellows jibed.

James listened to the operation of the boat. A gurgle added to the swoosh of the props told him that they might be damaged, and he set off in that direction. The rifles boomed.

“Was that him?” Avery shouted.

“A mighty big croc, anyway!” Bellows said. James rolled his eyes. Leave them to their barbaric sport; he had the most advanced watercraft in existence to operate. The boat shuddered; another impact. James hurried through the trap that led to the boiler room, and beyond it the marvelous engine that converted steam to forward thrust. He opened the door to the engine room. Water washed his ankles. The twin drive shafts that terminated in the exterior props were submerged in water; the iron at the rear was torn and jagged; the Bellerophon, slowly but irrevocably, began to acquire a sternward slant as the river flowed into the hole. “Bloody – ” James said, but he didn’t get to finish that sentence.

The boat shook, and he sprawled on the floor, rolling into the watery end of the engine room. He grabbed a drive shaft and pulled himself up it. Rending metal screamed behind him and giant jaws clacked. A warm breath gusted over him, and James violated his most sacred rule of self-preservation; he looked back.

There was a flash of white teeth as big as Gurkha knives; a reptilian eye the size of a cricket ball; scaly armor that would make a legionnaire proud. Then the immortal Nile poured in to claim him.

#

Avery’s rifle was a part of his body. With the Sharps he had downed leviathan American buffalo, Swaziland bull elephants, Atlas bears, Bengal tigers, and Barbary lions. He leveled it at the river and waited for the slightest movement, his senses humming. Bellows was in the same state of a hunter’s readiness, and the old adventurer’s camaraderie warmed Avery.

A ripple creased the water, just a moment’s interruption of the smooth surface, and Avery and Bellows fired together. “Criminy!” Avery said. “Missed the devil!”

“If a devil there was,” Bellows said. “I think we were duped by a fish or serpent.”

The Bellerophon pushed upstream slowly. Before them the broad Nile widened further, and further still, until Avery wondered if they had reversed their course and returned to the Mediterranean. But, no, there were cliffs and dark, dense African forests far to starboard. They had reached Lake Tanganyika.

A second impact threw Avery against the rail; Bellows went over. Avery caught him with one hand – the old man weighed as much as a corn husk – and swung him back on board. The bow lifted slightly and the boat began to list. “We’re taking on water,” Bellows said.

“I suppose I’ll pop belowdecks and investigate. I thought I saw Jim disappear that direction earlier…”

Below, metal shrieked under tremendous strain. “No time for that,” Bellows said. “Get to the pilot deck and run us aground before we sink.”

“Jim won’t like that.”

“Better than losing his precious kit. This lake’s known for its crocs, my son. A swim here would hardly be a dip at Brighton.”

Avery nodded and leapt up the stairs to the pilothouse. Larsen, the pilot, struggled with the wheel. “It’s no good, sir,” he said. “She won’t answer. Rudder’s shot, and we’ve got plenty of steam, but props don’t seem to be doing a blasted thing.”

“Don’t fret, Mr. Larsen. Just aim for that sandy patch.” Avery pointed at a stretch of beach perhaps two hundred yards to starboard. “Run her aground.”

“Yessir.” Larsen knew how to follow orders.

Avery patted him on the shoulder. “There’s a fellow,” and he jumped down the stairs, intent on the engine room. In the boiler room he met Blankenship, dripping wet and white as a sheet. “What happened? Jim, my friend, are you uninjured?”

“I have made the acquaintance of your Crocodylus niloticus. But I append the appellation: Crocodylus niloticus rex.”

“Ye gads! Point me at him!” Avery shook his rifle.

“In the engine room – but you can’t – ” But he had. Avery flung open the door and water rushed into the boiler room. The boat tilted upward as the river sucked it downward; Avery struggled to seal the door, and sprang backward as a pair of giant jaws thrashed in the great hole before him. The snout measured five feet across, and Avery was sure he could fit his fist inside the flaring nostrils.

“This is what I came for, I suppose,” Avery reflected as the monstrous crocodile rammed its great head into the wall, bending the steel bulkhead as if it were aluminum. Fortunately, it could not fit through the narrow door and into the boiler room; though, due to the rate at which the Bellerophon was taking on water, they would soon find themselves in the unusual position of having a rampaging forty-foot reptile as the least of their worries. “Larsen’s taking the boat aground,” he told James. “We must seal this door, or we’ll sink before we make the beach!”

Eustace rammed the door again, the impact jarring Avery to his bones. He raised his rifle and fired; the shot went wild and glanced off the crocodile’s armor. “If not for this deuced rough ride, I could pick my shot and put one through his eye.”

“Here.” James put a canister in his hands. Avery recognized the cylinder as one of James’s anti-fire devices. He pulled the pin from a spring-loaded catch; white foam spewed from the nozzle. Eustace lunged again, jaws open. The boat rocked with the great reptile’s thrashing weight. Avery pitched the cylinder down his throat.

The jaws crashed together a foot from Avery’s face. His pugilist instinct compelled him to ram his fist into the crocodile’s nose. He might as well have punched a brick wall. Eustace snorted. “You know how to take a punch!” Avery said. “That would’ve felled Jack Gull himself!” Eustace snorted again, and foam sprayed from his nostrils, then bubbled through the locked teeth. The huge maw opened, foam gushed out, Eustace groaned terribly, and retreated into the river. Avery scowled. “Next time you’ll not be so lucky!”

He sealed the door. “Sorry about the bang-up, old boy,” he said.

“No bother,” James said. “As long as the equipment is safe, our research can go on.”

“By Gad, if he wasn’t a big one!”

“I am somewhat disappointed. The local legends put his age at four centuries. From what I know of Nile crocodile growth rates, and can extrapolate in this heated moment, he could not be over two hundred and fifty years old.” The ship’s horn blasted a deep note. “Now what could that mean?” James wondered.

“It means wrap your fists around that railing, Jim, my chum, and don’t let go – we’re landward bound!”

“Confound that Nordic numskull at the helm!” James shouted, but the shout was lost amongst a cacophony from the end of creation as half a hundred tons of boat collided with the shore: a crash, a grinding that penetrated the bones, and a long squeal of taxed steel that raked the brain. The boilers rattled in their mountings, and bolts under high pressure shot off and ricocheted around the room. They hurried to the deck. The Bellerophon was ruined. The pilothouse was a heap of planks, flattened in the crash; Eustace had shredded the stern; the beach, which was composed less of sand than small boulders, had crumpled the bow. A muted explosion, followed by a brief tremor, told them that the boilers had at last given up. The scent of smoke reached their nostrils.

“We’ve made it!” Avery said happily.

Wasn’t that thrilling? Come back Thursday to see what happens next.

Do you know why the sea captain is named “Larsen”? Because I’d just read The Sea Wolf. My brain, she is transparent.

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