One Hundred Push-ups offers a plan that is guaranteed to get you, you skinny white nerd, to one hundred daily push-ups within six weeks. The plan involves a suspicious mix of discipline and hard work, so clearly it is fraudulent; nothing worth having cannot be had instantly, and with minimum effort. Nonetheless, I’m going to give it a go.

It is known that I was slim and muscular in my youth. I traveled from town to town, earning my bread by the sweat of my brow in carnival weight-lifting competitions. But the carnivals died off one by one, and unemployment led to the atrophy of my fine Olympian frame. And then: video games.

I challenge you to join me, dear reader. This program takes only thirty minutes of exercise per week. You don’t want to be humiliated when I rip my shirt off at the beach this summer and you have nothing to show for yourself.

Tomorrow I will do the push-up test that determines the course of my exercise for the next six weeks. Simply, I do as many correct push-ups as I can without resting. Note: correct. A bent knee or back, or failure to descend all the way invalidates a push-up. I place a coffee cup beneath my chest and make sure I touch it with each downward movement. This has the double advantage of collecting the sweat dripping from my body. Then I boil the sweat and make tea. Earl Grey, with milk and honey.

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